COACHES’ DEATH MATCH, ROUND ONE: MANGINO VERSUS FRIEDGEN
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…we hereby begin the State Farm Coaches’ Death Match Tournament of Champions today. Thrill as masters of gridiron motivation fight to the death to satisfy your sick bloodlust! Stand awed at the sight of 300-lb. coaching legends staggering around the ring in very little clothing! Pray that you forget the hypothetical sight of it all!
The brackets may be found here, but may change due to availability and the author’s forgetting to put someone in there altogether. (EDSBS: you get what you pay for.) Today we begin with the tournament with a very, very loud bang–exactly the sound made by a fat man hitting the mat with great force, actually, which is appropriate for each of the men in the THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: “You don’t really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?”™) Let our Kumite of the Clipboard begin!!!
Chong Li may have been robbed, but even Van Damme couldn’t get out alive in our version of the Kumite.
We usher in our inaugural tournament with a titanic bout between two of the sport’s most massive minions, two tubs of gooey offensive genius: Mark Mangino, head coach at the University of Kansas, and Ralph Friedgen, head coach at the University of Maryland.
Our introductions, please…
Ralph “Fry Daddy” Friedgen
Rock hard abs meets…
Height: 6′4″
Weight: 300 plus beautiful pounds
Hometown: Harrison, NY
Fighting style: Shooto/hybrid street fighter.
Strengths: A brutal but cerebral fighter who depends on advance scouting and a furious intial rush to win his bouts. Quick with the overhand club and possesses a powerful leg sweep. Once opponents are down Friedgen is usually able to submit them without joint locks, as the total force of his weight pressing down on the opponent presses the air from the lungs and incapacitates the fighter.
Weaknesses: As with almost all heavyweights, tends to get winded easily, but less so than other candidates–overall, his conditioning is better than almost any other fighter in the Meatnormous division. (Based on truth here, since up until his hip replacement surgery the Fridge ran three miles daily during his tenure at Georgia Tech.) Aforementioned hip problem affects mobility, and could cause problems.
In-ring oufit: Black, one strap singlet and black boots.
Mark “Manwich” Mangino
…a meteorite of muscular malice.
Height: Shortish. 5′9?
Weight: Gotta be creeping toward three bills.
Fighting style: Sumo/Submission Holds
Strengths: Where Friedgen is the cerebral technician of big men, Mangino is the crazed badger caveman type, relying on his low center of gravity and ball-like physique to push his opponents into corners and then deliver the decisive throw. An accomplished grappler, Mangino presents problems for opponents dependent on delivering blows since his edgeless physique seems to repel all punishment, no matter how brutal it may be. Nearly impossible to throw or pick up. A tough match for the street-fighting Friedgen, to be sure.
Weaknesses: Tends to get winded easily. Little to nothing in the way of reach, and thus exposes himself to severe punishment in order to get close for the throw. Virtually useless after round four, and unable to kick at all.
In-ring outfit: electric blue mawashi
Cast your vote below, and describe how you think this will play out.
Is this the Fry Daddy or the Manwich? You decide
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1
Brian says:
In a slowly fought battle between lumbering giants, I’ve got to say the Fridge wins out in this. In gut-to-gut contact Mangino’s arms wont be long enough to reach Ralph, who also seems angrier. Expect Fry Daddy to last longer due to having a custom-made underarmor body suit that wicks away sweat while also reducing slipperiness.
January 24th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
2
PSUrob says:
Round 1: Heavy grunting, lots of sweat dripping off both the Manwich and Fry Daddy, but no real action. Also, a horrible ‘Chicken Soup’ like smell eminating from the ring.
Round 2: Manwich, with a massive sigh that changes the barometric pressure in the room, gives up and heads to the locker room for the post-Meatnormous division buffet.
Winner: Fry Daddy
January 24th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
3
Yossarian says:
Mangino easily. He just runs straight into the Fridge, repeatedly bumping him until Ralph falls over. At that point Mangino puts his arms over his head and falls, fat first, on to Friedgen’s head. While Friedgen tries in vain to remove the KU coach, Mangino commences to knead Friedgen’s belly, essentially immobilizing the man from the stomach down. Friedgen loses consciousness and Mangino advances.
January 24th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
4
Bullfrog says:
“His edgeless physique.” That’s incredible. I vote for the round mound of throwdown, Mark Mangino. I’m assuming he’s escorted to the ring by those three jumpin’ happy Kansas defenders, right?
January 24th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
5
Doug says:
Mangino’s “creeping toward” three bills? He left that milestone in his swirling, sweaty dust a long ways back, kemosabe.
I see the Fridge getting thrown slightly off his game early due to the bloodcurdling shrieks of “Rawwwwwwk Chawwwwwwlk” from the peanut gallery, but he gets back on his game after being encouraged to “protect this howwwwwwse” from the folks in his own corner. Mangino tries to employ a Greg Blue-style flying hammer move in the 4th, but his Greg Blue-style overpursuit allows Fridge to step neatly out of the way, and Mange racks himself on the chainlink walls of the cage. After that it’s only a matter of Fridge hoisting himself atop Mangino’s chest (now embedded with a lovely crisscross pattern) and sitting there until the ref counts to ten.
Mangino, of course, later says the refs were paid off by Mack Brown.
January 24th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
6
brain says:
What to say, what to say. I think this is an excellent opening act. The “Appetizer” for more excitement to come. I see these two warriors “chicken dancing with each other for 6 rounds. The Manwich finally deciding to go for broke. Fry Daddy sweeping the leg Cobra Khan style. The finishing blow will be a submission hold that the Fridge easily applies because Mangino will be like a turtle on it is back. Winner THE FRY DADDY!!!!!
January 24th, 2006 at 1:05 pm
7
Ian says:
Mangino bull rushes Friedgen and knocks him down. Anyone who remembers King Hippo from “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!” knows what happens afterward.
January 24th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
8
brain says:
We must Protect this house!!!!
January 24th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
9
rebel84 says:
I’m envisioning a Phil Margera/Don Vito slap fight, double and triple chins flapping in the wind with each blow. On to the match however.
Mangino (ever notice how close this is to Mangina?) comes out strong early ripping a boob off of Friedgen and eating it. In the second round, Friedgen catches Mangino napping, literally napping (He just ate remember), and breaks both of his legs. Mangino wakes up at the start of the third round not realizing his legs are broken since they’ve been broken for years from the pressure of supporting his enormous weight.
In the third round, Mangino and Friedgen battle to a draw with both opponents rolling back to their respective corners winded and hungry. Both knock back 3 Quarter pounders with cheese (BK is the sponsor) and a King Sized Coke (not diet of course).
In the fourth round, Friedgen takes advantage of the winded Mangino and simply knocks him off his feet with a kick to his broken leg. Due to his extreme gearth, Mangino is incapable of getting himself up off the mat without assisstance. Friedgen decides to take advantage of his opponent who now looks like a roach turned on its back. He climbs to the top of the ropes to attempt to do his Dumbo the Flying Elephant move to finish Mangino off. Underestimating his own weight however, the ring (and his own hip) collapse from under Friedgen just as he’s about to leap onto Mangino. Friedgen hits the ground with such force that he leaves a Ralph Friedgen shaped hole in the ground similar to Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner. Seeing this, the Burger King referee declares Mangino the victor and a crane is subsequently brought in to get Mangino back into a standing position.
January 24th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
10
DHC says:
Promise the following to the winner and The Fridge will emerge victorious: 32 ounces of pure Grade A, corn-fed beef … soaked overnight in deep, rich butter … wrapped in bacon … deep fried … deep fried, again.
$50 to the first Terps beat writer that asks Josh Portis to compare the physical attributes of his two college coachs: Urban Meyer and Fridge.
January 24th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
11
LSUFan says:
Here’s how I see it…
Both fighters are drenched in sweat and winded before they reach the octagon.
Once the bell sounds, they circle round and round each other Golden Corral all you can eat buffet-style, until The Fridge gives Mangina a push in the shoulder, which ushers in another 60 seconds of back a forth shoving which caps a rather pathetic first round.
In his corner, Mangina’s ass completely swallows the corner bench as his trainer offers him water. He throws the water into the crowd and reaches back to grab a squirt bottle of mayonaise to replenish the mayonaise he lost durring round one.
Second round starts very much like the first, with the two combatants flailing their flabby limbs at one another. Until late in the round when a red-faced Mangina completely runs out of steam (and mayonaise) and falls to the canvas in a splash a sweat that soaks those at ringside like spectators at Sea World. The ref, understanding that there is no way in hell he’s getting off the canvas without heavy equipment calls him out imediately, sending The Fridge back to the buffet a champion!
January 24th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
12
Kenny says:
Friedgen, despite the more impish name, makes up for it in pure fascilitude. The look alone makes Mangino whither, a lone leaf of lettuce under the broiler at BK (cheap plug!).
Those round, delicate jowls the Manwich brings to the ring won’t earn him any sympathy, though when he does get under Friedgen’s girth he scores a few devastating body blows.
His front lock is thwarted, however, when Friedgen shoots to the pudgy ankle. The doughboy tickle and laugh do the trick, late in the second round.
Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!
January 24th, 2006 at 1:43 pm
13
Mons Venus Flytrap says:
Mangiano will win because good is dumb.
January 24th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
14
Rush says:
Mangino is all about attacking weaknesses. After multiple sumo blows to the hip/groin region, Fry will be left defenseless. Mangino, in a run up the score 70-21 style rout!
January 24th, 2006 at 1:57 pm
15
Scott says:
First Round: A lot of posturing, little action. Friedgen’s reach keeps Mangino at bay while Mangino’s low center of gravity prevents Friedge from gaining any leverage.
Round 2: After consulting with his sensei, John Kreese, Mangino realizes he has to attack Fridge’s bum wheel. Lacking the phenotype necessary to “sweep the leg”, the Manwich instead executes his “Bowling Ball of Death” manoeuvre. A series of somersaults propels Mangino at break-leg speed directly toward Friedgen’s surgically repaired limb, severing it from his body. With the “Fry Daddy” unable to continue, Mangino moves on.
January 24th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
16
PeteJayhawk says:
I vote for Mt. Mangino. Why? Because KU is my alma mater. I don’t need a good reason. Besides, he’s a mean (if not so lean) motherfucker.
January 24th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
17
Matt says:
funny new site in response to onepeat.com
http://www.onepeatbog.com
January 24th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
18
Bill says:
Fridge. His record shows that he starts strong only to fade late. I see him knocking out his first few opponents only to lose steam later.
January 24th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
19
bitterhorn says:
Fat-jitsu! Mangino devastates Fry Daddy with his Angry Walrus technique. With those ridiculously short extremities, Big Daddy Freidgen is unable to counter as he cannot grapple with The Manwich long enough to throw him to the ground, much like a Weebles Wobbles. Barring any gamesmanship (such as buckets of chicken gravy), Mangino easily steamrolls in 3 rounds.
January 24th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
20
Former Terp says:
Every Friday, we had “Breakfast with the Fridge.” Bran flakes were nowhere to be found. We students were lucky to even get bacon scraps. What you got, Mangino – Corn Pops? Friedgen wins by a frozen mudslide.
January 24th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
21
fightinamish says:
I’ll take Mangino and give the points. This one isn’t going to be close. There’s just too much girth on the Mangino side, and with the Fridge’s bum wheel and weight fluctuations, he doesn’t have the firepower to derail this train.
I see Mangino as a prohibitive favorite in the Meatnormous division, but I think one of the shiftier more athletic middleweights can take him down. This just ain’t the right matchup for the Fridge. Mangino by TKO in the 3rd.
January 24th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
22
Dave says:
If Mangino is creeping towards 3 bills, it’s from the other side, on his way back from 4. Unless we’re talking about some sort of metric unit that I’m unfamiliar with, which is entirely possible. Also, to say that he’s reminiscent of a crazed badger implies the facility of rapid movement, which he simply does not possess.
No, Mark Mangino is a glacial bulk which moves deliberatly towards an inevitable end. He is the immovable object and the unstoppable force. He cannot be harmed, cannot be swayed from his path. He is the trash compactor in the Death Star, and Friedgen doesn’t have a midget in a whistling robot suit to bail his fat ass out of this jam. The only thing that’s going to stop Mark Mangino is the heart failure that forever looms just over the horizon. And that failure will surely come, but unfortunately for Friedgen, it will not be soon enough.
This ends the only way it can – with poor Ralph fighting a noble battle, but ultimately succumbing to Mangino’s enormity. When he is crushed and absorbed into the many, many folds of Mangino, only the mangled Motorola headset and whistle ejected from the creases of fat will serve as a reminder that Friedgen was ever there at all.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
23
bitterhorn says:
addendum: the ring is more likely to smell like stale fry grease, fritos, and bleu cheese after these leviathans go at it
January 24th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
24
Orson Swindle says:
We’re shocked here, but Mangino seems like he’s got the strategic advantage here. Dave’s description seems like the most accurate and likely scenario, with the bum leg being the deciding factor.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
25
tzubear says:
fry daddy in a landslide, or meatslide. I dont want to think about it, but friedgen wins.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
26
Rush says:
I could also see Mangino pulling a Bloodsport, Kumite style salt throw to the face of good ole’ Ralph leaving him temporarily blided and his artificial hip and groin region exposed.
Yes, Mangino pulls the dirty tricks and gets the “W.”
It don’t matter though, if Friedge learned anything from his mentor, he will simply put on his resume that he was, in fact, the MEATNORMUS CHAMPION.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:30 pm
27
matt says:
gotta go with mangino on sheer power…he at least looks like he’s moved speedily in the past, unlike fry-daddy. that guy is this close to majerus-itude.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
28
Andrew says:
Round 1: Mangino attempts to take advantage of his superiority in body fat, which shields any and all areas of his body from damage. Friedgen’s only protects his abdomen. However, Big Mark suddenly realizes that his limbs cannoth cover the distance from one man to the other due to the massive amount of fat tissue between these fine physical specimens. Friedgen counters with mocking laughter, eventually doubling over, allowing Mangino to get in one good shot to the head before the bell. Upon hitting the ground, Friedgen’s fat jiggles for the entire between-round period.
Round 2: Friedgen is now angry, and launches a roundhouse kick at Mangino’s midsection, which promptly absorbs this part of Ralph’s body. Mangino immediately runs back to his corner to celebrate.
Round 3: Unfortunately for Kansas, after the hip fiasco, Friedgen is prepared for just such an incident. After consulting with his trainer, he returns to the ring, with an artificial foot. Well, perhaps a more exact term would be a steel jackboot with a switchblade at the tip. The terrified Mangino begins quivering, and Friedgen slowly but surely carves up his opposition, all the time laughing all sweaty and smelly, as his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
29
Ry says:
If Fry Daddy didn’t have that bad hip I’d go with him, but when Mangino smell blood, or BBQ sauce in his case, there’s no stopping him.
January 24th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
30
Mike says:
Mangino has FAR exceeded three bills….he’s pushing 4. They say TV adds 5 pounds, but when you have to zoom out for the wide shot like with Mangino, it can be hard to get a sense of scale.
Mangina in 2 rounds!
January 24th, 2006 at 5:28 pm
31
Shane MacGowan's Teeth says:
Loser gets the Charlie Weis stomach staples.
January 24th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
32
Geaux Irish says:
Bullfrog: “the round mound of throwdown”
Classic.
January 24th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
33
Philly Gator says:
Realizing he can’t match the Fride’s blazing speed, Mangino resorts to his “Love Handle Helicopter Technique”. Such technique requires Mangino to slowly rotate his body until the basic laws of physics take over, and his pendulous skin flaps begin spinning him at speeds over 500 rpm’s. As Mangino’s speed quickens, the flaps distend further and further, backing the Fridge into a corner.
In a last ditch effort at durvival, Fridge distends his jaw, much like a Burmese Python, and takes a vicious bite at Mangino’s whirring girth. To the dismay of Maryland fans the world over, Fridge is too late and is blindsided by Mangino’s left love handle. Fridge’s body immediately explodes like a stuffed jalepeno popper covering the crowd in a pool of nacho cheese and sour cream.
January 24th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
34
Nate says:
I laugh every time I hear the word “mawashi”.
Then I think of Mangino wearing one, and I cry.
January 24th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
35
WolverineinWA says:
Fry Daddy wins with one strategic move.
Sacrificing the hip, Friedgen sweeps Mangino’s legs during
the Manwich’s initial Marauding Meatball Maneuver.
Mangino rolls onto his back in a vain attempt to get to his feet and instantly falls asleep. The combined weight of his chins and copius man-breastesses rolling onto his windpipe causes a suffocating sleeper hold, and Mangino’s trainer promptly throws in the CPAP machine (AKA Towel).
Fridge moves on to the next round.
January 25th, 2006 at 4:25 am
36
PSUrob says:
I hate to say it, but nobody has used the word “LEOTARD” yet. Till now.
January 25th, 2006 at 10:07 am
37
Juanderful says:
At the opening of the first round, Mangino and Fridge collide head on. For about five minutes, it looks like two balls of silly putty that have been squished together and are now one. It’s hard to distinguish what belongs to who. Eventually, a 600 lbs. Fridge emerges alone, using the ancient Shaolin Meatmeld Technique, or SMT. Asked how he remembered this technique, he stated his pneumonic device “Sam Mich Time”.
On to round two, Fridgen.
January 25th, 2006 at 10:32 am
38
Joe says:
“creeping towards three bills”? Jabba The Hawk passed three bills at a Golden Corral buffet ten years ago. This is not a contest. Manjello in a romp.
January 25th, 2006 at 10:38 am
39
rjm says:
I’ll go with Fried-gin, because his name is a combination of a southern type of cooking and a liqour that could double as paint thinner.
January 25th, 2006 at 10:42 am
40
Andrew says:
Mangino! Mangino!
January 25th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
41
Wildcat Matt says:
Manjumbo should be the favorite in this one, seeing as how he has a distinct weight advantage over the Fridge. However, the ref will award Fridge the match-winning points after a controversial penalty call. Then in the post-match press conference, Manjumbo will say to the reporters “You know what this is about, don’t you? That’s right, dollar signs.”
January 26th, 2006 at 11:06 am
42
EDSBS » COACHES DEATH MATCH, ROUND ONE: JABBA THE HAWK IN THREE. says:
[...] We have some thinking-ass readers out there…deftly weighing (and that is the correct word) the pros and cons of each fighter’s attributes, our readers have decided by a vote of 20-15 or so that the victor in the epic battle of wills between Mark “Manwich” Mangino, a.k.a Jabba the Hawk, and Ralph “Fry Daddy” Friedgen goes to…Mark Mangino, whose spherical body and absolute immobility subdues the tenacious but gimpy Friedgen in three rounds. There were many versions of how it went down, but most centered on Friedgen’s bad hip, which would bring him down to the level of an overweight giraffe fighting on one leg against a enormous boll weevil of a man. We imagine the fight went something like this. [...]
January 26th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
43
Kevin says:
Mangino is way more than 3 bills…More like 4 or 5…
I mean this guy is huge….Behemoth!!
November 3rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm
44
kyle says:
how much does mark mangino weigh, im dyin to know
November 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am