3RD STRING TIGHT END "OWNS" PURDUE

The offseason turmoil at Purdue just got a lot more savory...and public. First the 3rd string TE for the Boilermakers, Garret Bushong, gets arrested for operating a vehicle while intoxicated on September 30th. What with all the football and other minor tidbits of news floating about, we hardly noticed it.

Fortunately our readers are more alert creatures by far. Reader Amanda alerted us to Bushong's written response to stories covering outlandish athlete behavior at Purdue, a school emerging as a serious contender for this year's Fulmer Cup. Bushong apparently thinks the Purdue athlete is getting Cleveland Steamered in the press, particularly by the campus newspaper The Exponent. He says as much in the letter we've excerpted from today's Exponent, allegedly written by the godly famous 3rd string TE himself. (Emphasis added)

This letter is a shoutout to all of the athletes of Purdue. I am personally sick and tired of all the bad ink we are getting, and it is really time to put an end to it. Yeah, I got an OWI, so what! It's over, and everyone now knows about it. It's not like 300 other students on this campus haven't gotten one, yet the names of those people are not put on the front page of the Exponent followed up three months later by a headline on the back page of the Sports section. I know all those people putting the paper together don't have anything better to write about, and I am not mad at them for that. I am mad because they continously are publishing articles that make us look so bad. If I am not mistaken, you guys go to Purdue too and I thought you would have a little more respect for your fellow classmates and the people who bring millions of dollars into this university year after year. So to all of my basketball players, football players, soccer girls, softball girls, wrestlers, cross country, track and field guys and girls, divers, golfers, tennis girls and guys, volleyball girls and baseball players, forget what ya heard. We're here to stay, we all know what we do for this school and what we give back. We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I'll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. "You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face." Lastly I would like to give another shoutout to the athletes who have gotten bad ink in the Exponent lately. I feel for ya!

Represent in 2006.

Garret Bushong

Junior, College of Consumer and Family Sciences

As this is beyond satire, we post a picture of our favorite domineering jock of mediocre talent in response. Thanks to Amanda.

Someone take the keyboard away from Garret. Now.

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