TAUNTING, EVOLVED: ONE PEAT GETS TEN LARGE
One-Peat.com got their ten grand. Taunting won’t cover what this will look like sitting on a billboard in L.A…(image below the jump)
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January 19, 2006
NEWEST D-1 ASPIRANT: FLORIDA GULF COAST UNIVERSITY
Florida Gulf Coast University, who held its first classes in 1997, has opted to pursue a D-I affiliation as soon as possible. In addition to further crowding the burgeoning Florida football scene with yet another team, FGCU’s team will compete in the Atlantic Sun Conference, also known to most programs as “Who We’re Playing in the 12th Game.” No word on whether Mike Leach was in the audience applauding the announcement. (HT: Mark at Sports Biz Blog.)
Separated at birth: the eagle from the FGCU logo:
And Dr. Weird from ATHF?
Gentlemen! Behold…a new cupcake on the schedule!
MARSHALL, 1: BRADSHAW ARRESTED
Marshall scores a point in the Fulmer Cup standings: Ahmad Bradshaw is free on bail following his arrest for “petit larceny and nighttime burglary.”
Does it say something about West Virginia that they differentiate between nighttime and daytime burglary? As in, “Well, your honor, as if crankin’ up a winder and ducking into someone’s house ain’t bad enough, they did it when Walker, Texas Ranger was on. Now that just ain’t fair–I couldn’t even hear him comin’ in, I was so riveted to the tv. I only opened fire when I noticed the tv was gone.” Makes a man want to set something on fire…like, say…a couch…remember, though, the important lessons from this incident. Burglary, if you’re a man, is strictly a nighttime activity.
Don’t break into a man’s house in WV at night–we’re watching Walker, dammit.
DON’T STOP, GET IT GET IT.
Life is so, so wonderful sometimes. Just when we thought we hadn’t gotten enough Luther Campbell news lately…the man comes through by playing a role in a youth football charity game fight. And though the report doesn’t mention this, we think it’s important to mention that yes, Adam “Pac-Man” Jones was involved in the fracas. (HT: Feldman, who like Tito or Ronaldo, only gets one name here.)
Yes, Pac-Man Jones, seen here surrendering to police in an unrelated incident, was involved.
COACHING DEATH MATCH: BRACKETS
In March, millions of fans nationwide will fill up their own brackets in an attempt to predict the exact pecking order of a 64 team tournament involving a sport called…basket-ball. Or something like that. If it’s anything like Baseketball, we’re positive it sucks too much to even talk about, especially since most of the guys playing the game appear to suffer from Marfan’s Syndrome and play for colleges that DON’T EVEN HAVE FOOTBALL TEAMS. Those poor, poor people.
If basket-ball’s anything like this movie, it sucks ass.
We’re creating a more interesting bracket: the Coaches’ Death Match bracket, also known as the idle, wildly speculative entertainment that could carry us through at least a month of the offseason. It all counts in large amounts around here, since until the spring games we’re reduced to killing flies in our cell and tinkering with our meds for fun. (Tip: Haldol + Bourbon= total immunity to pepper spray and tasers. Thanks to the Decatur police for yet another contribution to our study, and for the bullet wound in our leg that eventually brought us down!)
Yesterday we announced our categories. Today we’re filling the slots. These are provisional, meaning if you bitch enough in comments, the lineups could be reconfigured to include someone we overlooked in a moment of negligence. And if there’s three words you should associate with EDSBS, it’s “moment of negligence.”
The brackets are as follows:
Division One: THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION.
Mark “Mr. Creosote” Mangino
Ralph “Gastric Superhighway” Friedgen
Tom “Hot Pockets” Amstutz
Phil “Gojira!” Fulmer
Charlie “I actually almost died from fatness surgery” Weis
(Slot to be filled–accepting nominations.)
Division Two: The USMC Samurai division.
Ed “The” Orgeron (ROOAAARRR!!!)
Dan “Fighting Lotus” Hawkins (more…)
PETRINO? FLIRTING WITH OTHER JOBS? NOOOO…
We were driving down I-20 the other day when Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Tramp” came on, which had us thinking…
On the first date he thought I was a dummy
He had the nerve to tell me he loved me
But of course I knew it was a lie, y’all
He undressed me with his eyeballs
An interview two years ago with Auburn that eventually got the President of the University fired, orchestrated with private jets, covert meetings, and all the machinations of a botched CIA operation.
Yeah, it went about this well. Which isn’t well at all.
Continuing…
Trying to change the whole subject
Cos everything he said pertained to sex
So I dissed him, I said you’s a sucker
Get your dirty mind out the gutter
Last year’s open solicitation of the LSU job and the open scorn piled on him by the college football media and the Louisville fanbase…
You ain’t gettin’ paid, you ain’t knockin’ boots
You ain’t treatin’ me like no prostitute
Then I walked away, he called me a teaser…
…followed up with an anonymous insider’s tip that he was rolling through Oakland to interview with Al Davis for the Raiders head job. Who knows whether this is true or not–Len! We’ll feed you outrageous rumors for free! Just keep us off the record! Mike Vick is blind in one eye, which accounts for his inaccuracy! Peyton Manning was one wedge shy of winning a game of Trivial Pursuit with us last night, but choked on the History questions and lost a heartbreaker to us on the final question! Randy Moss has had rabies for years! See? Even just the rumors of Petrino putting on the vocational mini-skirt and making his annual flirtation with whatever jobs might even seem to be open prompted Louisville, at 11 p.m. last night, to issue a statement from Petrino.
“I understand my name is being mentioned in connection with job openings in the National Football League, but I want to reiterate my commitment to the University of Louisville, our players and all of our Cardinal fans. The University of Louisville has been great for me and (my) family, and I’m committed to fulfilling our goal of taking the program to the next level.”
We’ve heard this before, albeit from a slightly different, more deviously charismatic source. One San Fran Chronicle source said Petrino’s definitely pro-bound, but wants one more year in the collegiate ranks to prepare. We’re astonished he actually wants one more year; we imagine he’s already got his family at the “don’t buy green bananas” stage of existence, never moving out of the Extended Stay America, homeschooling the kids and keeping a car running at all times just outside the door. Perhaps he wants to get the undefeated season and BCS-buster thing running one last time just to prove he could do it at a second tier school like Louisville, or perhaps it’s the timing with the pros, though the number of NFL vacancies next year surely won’t match the Night of the Long Knives carnage of this year.
Either way, in honor of Petrino and the whore’s rouge he breaks out once a year, we finish the song:
You’re on a mission, kid, yo he’s a…tramp
FRESNO’S HILL GETS EXTENSION
His overt flirtation with the NFL has paid off now that Pat Hill has landed a contract extension through 2010. We here at EDSBS were probably more worried than the Bulldog fans about this one as we can’t afford to lose a Mustache Wednesday hero like Pat Hill.
Hill will be customizing bikes and coaching players in Fresno for the forseeable future.
FOR THAT NOT SO FRESH FEELING…
Scene: A woman in a Virginia Tech jersey strolls the shore, looking wistfully out at the rolling surf. A piano plinks away against a wash of strings, and a voice begins to speak: “Do you sometimes feel less than fresh? Sometimes every woman does…” And then this image fades into the screen, reminding everyone that hell hath no wrath like a college football fan…(Thanks to Jon, a VT fan who won’t forgive easily)
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