COACHING DEATH MATCH: CATEGORIES

Paterno’s shrieking voice has gotta be good for a couple of bucks on the moneyline.

Thoughts on a Death Match Spin-off:

How about Woody Hayes jumping into the JV division and kicking a little ass on the playing field?

Will Paterno be fighting in the day or at night? A daytime fight would allow his to use his eye glasses as a make shift magnifying glass where he could burn out the heatrt of his opponent.

“9 Iron” Willingham, utterly hysterical.

While I can see how you might be confused by his hit on the Minnesota defenseman, linebacker is one position Michael Robinson didn’t line up in at Penn State.

Paterno’s powers deceive you…that only looks like the number 12. In reality, it’s a marker for his lunch of fresh, young soul.

Or maybe it’s Robinson.

What? No Spurrier in the competition? Denied!

He’ll be there, probably in the Ong Bak division. We just can’t decide on chapping him by putting him in the old guys division or not.

As the only sports blog on the web (that i’ve found anyway) with a section devoted to our beloved mustache men…shouldn’t there be a mustache division? There are a TON of great ones out there in the world of college football.

Couldn’t fill out a whole division with them, Comanda. We’ll give an edge to the mustachioed types, for sure.

If we were to round up assistant coaches as well this would be viable.

Paterno favored in the old guys division over Coach Bryant? I know Paterno has that whole “still alive” thing going for him which makes him a clear favorite over the living, but not over Bryant. For God’s sake, the guy got his nickname for winning a wrestling match with a f*cking bear! I’ll take a dead Coach Bryant over those guys any day.

Waiting for auburn “dead bear” joke in 3..2..1…

Know what maggots and Bama fans have in common?

They’ve each been living off the Bear for two decades.

the Tiller-Spack boiler tag-team would be the odds on favorites for the mustachioed division; although you never know what’d happen with a 2-on-1 vs. Wannstedt

As an addendum …

… and as a follow up to my Appalachian State submission last week (thanks again for the link guys!) I submit to you this Bear song.

http://www.al.com/alabamafootball/audio/?bear.html

Sing along: “Bear of Alabama. Heroes of little boys and their dads.”

Oh. Mah. Gawd. That’s…horrifying. Or strangely moving. We’re really not sure.

I don’t know whether I prefer “Sensei” or “Mr. Roboto” as a nickname for Richt, but either way he will pwn the rest of the field.

In which bracket would Llllloyd “Man Boobs” Carr contend?

“eight-armed, bloody-fanged glory, Tibetan death God/Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron”

Done some traveling eh? Hilarious!

Can we stick Phil “Lefty” Mickelson in the man-boobs category on principle? It just seems so right.

Doug, we see Richt as fighting much like Chou-Yun Fat in Crouching Tiger. Leaping from treetops, curiously prolonging the fight.

And Brian: Lloyd’s firmly in old guy territory now.

Tzubear—a little bit of travel, yes. Tibetan wall paintings are nothing to laugh at.

What about Lou “The Lisp” Holtz with his spit filled and often misunderstood chatter on TV its not wonder he couldnt win with that group of Vol wanabes he had at South Carolina.

Here’s one for the Meatnormous division that I can’t believe you forgot.

Ralph “The Fridge” Friedgen

Oh, we didn’t, Lawrence. Those listed above are samples—the Fridge will be throwing down in the Meatnormous Division, for sure.

As the beams of sunlight pass through the Coke bottle lenses intensifying and finding there target, Man-Boobs exposes his 24 hour cross your heart and reflects the death ray with the under wire support ….

In the Championship Round of the Ong Bak Division, we find young challenger, Urban Meyer, facing off against NFL castoff/College god, Pete “The Dragon” Carroll.

When the bell sounds, Meyer steps from his corner and cooly informs Carroll that he is banished from the “Champions Club” and will have to adhere to a 10:00 curfew for the remainder of the spring semester.

A chuckle passes over Carrolls lips as he removes his championship rings from his fingers. He then uses them to make pigtails out of his mullet. He unconvincingly refers to them as his “Trojan Plume”.

Meyer strikes first by pulling a “Percy Harvin Attack” and convinces Carroll’s wife, Glena, that he is the best choice for the next 4 or 5 minutes of her life.

In grand bukake fashion, Meyer brings in star recruit, C.J. Spiller, to help him out with the Mrs. Carroll. As both are towelling off after the ordeal, Spiller commits to the Gators and delivers a quick roundhouse to Carroll’s jaw… Pete, not Glena. Glena merely a receives a pat on the ass and a lollipop, courtesy of Coach Meyer.

A bloodied and dumbfounded Carroll, stares in awe, from the center of the ring, ready to concede defeat. All of a sudden, a camera man steps into the ring to film Meyer’s impending celebration. Upon seeing the camera, Meyer instantly turns to wood and is thus disqualified.

Just to point out a minor inconsistency. There is no Chick-fil-A drive through in Oxford. The only Chick-fil-A is in the Student Union. Wendy’s, Back Yard Burger, Burger King, McDonald’s, and even Zaxby’s have drive through restaurants in Oxford, but no Chick-fil-A.

I like the division break down though. I would love to see a full out bracket when all competitors have been selected. One question though…Will the winners of each division face off in an ultimate kill ‘em all cage match? We can’t go around having 4 separate winners. If Orgeron were one of them, he’d have to eat the other 3 simply to prove a point.

Somebody plays too much Dungeons & Dragons.

Meatnormous. Cheesenormous. Eggnormous.

I think Phil will be too distracted/hungry to put up a fight when the matchup is announced.

The Orgeron will eat their livers and pick his teeth with their splintered bones. And he’s not going to put up with any of that namby-pamby ‘thinking’ bullshit, either.

Is there a right amount of D&D that can be played? Isn’t simply playing D&D by definition too much?

That’s right—D&D blows. Everyone knows the Marvel Heroes role-playing game, Shadowrun, and TMNT games were all superior products.

D&D creates Ted Kazinski-like characters that don’t belong in sports/society.

If they can ever get that guy from Ong-Bak some writers worth a shit, he’ll be bigger than Jackie Chan & Jet Li put together. That guy has some mad skills, but that movie was teh suxors.

Oh yeah, Bama fans may still coast on the glory of Bear Bryant, but they’ve also won the whole thing with someone else since then too. I’ll take that over riding the “glory” of a split championship in 1957.

You’ve gotta add the grumpy, stubborn as a mule catagory. Lloyd Carr could take on whomever you see fit.

Where’s Pat Hill fit in the USMC-Samurai division? I’d be surprised if he didn’t eat babies.

Pat Hill has his own (Cartoon Look a Like Division)
Yo Sammity Sam

Not to sound like a D&D player, but we’re spending our afternoon lumping college football coaches into divisions such as “meatnormous.” I’m not so sure we belong in society, either.

Where’s Alvin Wyatt go? Or is he going to act as someone’s WWF-style shifty manager?

Good point frog… we clearly do not belong in mainstream society. Hence we read and write blogs.

Wyatt’s going to be on the sidelines, macking on the loser’s wife three seconds after he dies a horrific death in the ring.

“Tibetan wall paintings are nothing to laugh at”

I’m not destined to be reincarnated as a beatle now, am I?

Put Jim Tressel in the Ong Bak division. He may walk quietly but I guarantee he carries a big stick. He’s a mastermind and we could all discover what the sweatervest is hiding: a gun arsenal a la the Matrix lobby scene.

“emerging from a tunnel of flame in all his eight-armed, bloody-fanged glory, Tibetan death God/Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron”

Would an 8-armed Sylvester Croom be Orgeron’s Guan Yin/Kannon counterpart?

If you create a get in touch with your “feminine side” category, can ex USC and UNLV coach John Robinson be tagged up with Lou Holtz?

There’s no such thing as too few hours of D&D, and there’s no such thing as too many Ed Orgeron pictures on a website. I’m gonna need e-mail alerts letting me know which days EDSBS has a new Orgeron pic.

That ‘working the Wyattbone day and night’ quote might possibly be the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet, and that’s saying something.

Scoping trim from the sidelines was epic too.

What about Hal Mumme

Which divison would he go in? You know with his “high-flying” air attack.

Uhhh, Buckeye_fan, we all know what Tressel has under his sweatervest; two packages of twizzlers and an ether soaked rag. The twizzlers lure the kids in, the ether keeps them there.

Sorry I didn’t think of this earlier, but maybe there needs to be a terminal reprobate division. Much of Mr. Fuji’s brand of asian trickery will be employed here. Powdered detergent in the eyes, quick raps with the canes to the knees, and handgun training for the starting backfield will be par for the course .

That’s a good one – Barry Switzer and most of Miami’s former coaching staff can go in there. And then Miamifan88 can use broken English to threaten everyone with prison-rape.

“Know what maggots and Bama fans have in common?

They’ve each been living off the Bear for two decades."

As compared to Barners and Shug “The Rural Carnac” Jordan.

You named your stadium after a born loser.

Oh wait he wasn’t born that way, he was self-made.

“The Plains”-otherwise known as the shitter for cows.

Know what maggots and Bama fans have in common?

They’ve each been living off the Bear for two decades.


What’s the difference between a maggot and a BAMA fan?

NOTHING.

What’s the difference between an aubarn fan and a puppy?

Puppies eventually stop whining.

Let’s go ‘Stutz! Let’s go ’Stutz!

Mark Mangino’s nickname is, and always has been, and always will be “Mangina”