BUSH TO RETURN TO COLLEGE!
Not that one… Michael Bush, Louisville’s running back and the nation’s leading scorer announced that he will return to Louisville next season.
UPDATE: However, you can now add that other Bush to the turning pro list now.
January 12, 2006
YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ! GRAND CRU: APPALACHIAN IS HOT HOT HOT!
Some people go their whole lives searching for their own personal holy grail…but thanks to reader Kenny Smith, we may die in peace now, since today he sent us the link to what we’ve been looking for lo, these long two months…TEH SUX0RZ OF ALL SUX0RZ IN SCHOOL PROMOTIONAL ADS. (For all the other, lesser ads, please check out our school promotional ad review archives.) For the moment, Appalachian State, we kowtow to you. You truly are HOT HOT HOT !
A WARNING: Please, before reading anything written below, watch this. If you’re in an office, shut the door; if you’re in a cubicle, invite a friend. If you’re at home, call over a loved one or pet to spread the love, and please make sure you are not eating, drinking, performing any delicate tasks requiring manual dexterity, or masturbating while watching, since this video is the opposite of sex, and may induce erectile dysfunction for life.
(Waiting, sips coffee, waits for reader’s vital signs to return to normal after exposure to the worst school promotional ad ever created. Some of you may not have made it–condolences from our staff, but like Too Short says, only the strong survive. We begin to pick apart this monstrosity now, though words ultimately fail to capture the grandeur of the “HOT HOT HOT” ad. We’ll try anyway.)
Only the strong survive the ASU ad. Watch with caution.
School: Appalachian State University
Ad title: “HOT HOT HOT!”
EDSBS title: “The Cthulu of School Promo Ads.” Why vote for the lesser of two evils?
Setup: “One To Grow On”-esque video effects fade into a verdant mountainside background. Across the screen flash various images of university life in the picturesque campus of Appalachian State University, taken mostly from the pages of the manual all campus information directors must use when putting these things together. (more…)
NEW MASCOT FOR RAZORBACKS?
Not strictly college football, but imagine the applications…a night game in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Houston Nutt twitching crazily in the tunnel along with his team. The whiskey chugging crowd is already at a fever pitch when the lights shut out, the crashing notes of “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath crank through the speakers, and the Razorbacks charge out of the tunnel led by a team of glow-in-the-dark battle hogs. Think we’ve been nipping at the cough syrup a bit too frequently this morning? Think again.
This should give your subconscious nightmare fodder for days. You’re welcome.
HOUSE OF ROCK RECRUITING UPDATE: COCKLORD STILL HOT
House of Rock brings us up to speed on the best qb recruit you’ll never heard about, Miami-James Woods’ wunderkind Rusty Cocklord.
SMQ’S ALL-AMERICA TEAM
SMQ’s got his All-America team up, which is really just an excuse to give out some guffaw-worthy end of the year awards, including:
–The Fitzgerald-Edwards Award (Best Player At Which To Randomly Throw the Ball As High As Possible As Often As Possible)
–The (Best defensive end descended from assassinated African royalty) award (guess who?)
–The Ron Jeremy Award (Best Performance by an Over-worked Appendage)
–The Toniu Fonoti Award (Best Massive Polynesian Lineman)
MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL DON’T COME CHEAP, PLAYER.
The St. Pete Times details just how much even a bottom of the rung bowl like the Meineke Car Care Bowl costs a smallish program like USF. The greatest cost for USF: spending $380,000 to purchase guaranteed USF tickets that did not sell for the game. USF’s football program only turned a profit thanks to the program payout, and without the Big East payout would have finished the year in the red.
PAT HILL CONSIDERING NFL
Our favorite college football mustache is considering a jump to the NFL. Fresno State’s Pat Hill has received inquiries from several NFL teams and he’s willing to listen. This stands in stark contrast to Kirk Ferentz, who is apparently happy living amongs corn, crystal meth and plain spoken people.
Much like Spurrier’s Fun N Gun, we suspect Pat Hill’s mustache will never fly in the conservative NFL.
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