We never cease looking out for our readers’ welfare. Have you had five servings of whole grains today? Were you sure to take your vitamin supplements? And while eating a whole can of frosting with your finger while watching “Sports Disasters” on TLC, did you wash your hand first?

In the same vein, we must remind you of another danger to your health and career: being Marcus Vick. We present to you the EDSBS Quiz: Are You Marcus Vick?

You may be this man. Take a quiz and leave no doubt!

1. You strike up a conversation with an attractive lady at a local convenience store. Chemistry bubbles between the two of you, so you invite her over to your swanky crib for cocktails. Yet, as you pour the drink, you note her youthful appearance and middle-school report card sticking out of her purse. This provokes in you:

a.) Mild concern.

b.) Dismay.

c.) Jimmy-wobbles like hobbedy wobbedy damn.

2. At this point, you subtly inquire as to the woman’s age. When she says “19″ and giggles, you:

a.) Assume she is telling the truth.

b.) Ask for ID.

c.) Pour three rapid fire shots like a Fat Tuesday’s barkeep and put on a Teletubbies video.

Gets ‘em every time.


3. The law of your state prohibits speeding. The law of your state also requires a valid driver’s license for the operation of a vehicle. Finally, the law of your state also prohibits the possession of marijuana. Which one of these then describes your driving style:

a.) Without a license and in possession of marijuana.

b.) Speeding and without a license.

c. ) Hey. I’m Marcus Vick. (All three)

4. You need a car to get around. You:

a.) Thriftily maintain the 1992 Plymouth Sundance you’ve been driving since high school.

b.) Purchase a used but still-in-good-shape Honda Accord to build your credit.

c.) Ask your brother to purchase a luxury car for you equal to the combined yearly salaries of 122 hard-working Laotians…in cash.

5. You are engaged in a fierce game with a challenging opponent. During a lull in the action, you spy the opponent laying lying on the ground. You:

a.) Offer your hand to help the opponent to their feet.

b.) Let them lie there. Why should you help them?

c.) Attempt to maim them in front of 80,000 very interested spectators and millions watching at home.

Go ahead—no one’s looking, man.

6. Your favorite color is:

a.) Periwinkle

b.) Red

c.) Why are you asking me this shit? What’s my favorite color? What kind of faggot-ass shit is that? Why are you asking me that when you know I’m strapped. Yeah, you heard me punk. D-Eagle strapped. You see this? That’s killin’ steel right there, son–back the fuck up with that color shit. That’s right, back. The. Fuck. Up. Now we got some respect going on here. What? What, huh?!? What!!!

7. A table sits in front of you, piled high with anywhere from $20-30 million dollars in cash. On the table is a note taped to the collar of an adorable puppy. The note reads, “This money is yours on the condition you do NOT kill this puppy, grill it, and eat it with lettuce and tomato on a whole wheat hoagie roll.” You:

a.) Take the money and leave the puppy.

b.) Take the money and adopt the puppy.

c.) Fire up the grill, bitches. Puppies gotta die, too.

Puppies gotta die, too.

If you answered C. to all seven questions, you may be Marcus Vick. You are advised to call the quality defense team of Argue and Phibbs immediately.

Even Argue and Phibbs may not be able to help you if you are indeed Marcus Vick.