Name: The MPC Computers Bowl. Damn this bowl for being so close to the MCP Bowl, which could have featured a badass trophy of the villain from Tron.

Motto “Excitement you can feel through nine layers of clothing!”

Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: In case you haven’t guessed, MPC Computers, unless MPC Computers just pop out of the ground in Idaho, in which case we apologize for the error. We must give a minor shout-out to the official meat provider of the MPC Computers Bowl, AgriBeef, who has just given us a.) our long-sought after country-rapper handle, or b.) the name of our firstborn son.

AgriBeef, no filler, no frontin’, no scheist
Layin’ on thick with no hormones straight nice
Only hormones you get when Agribeef reigns
Are the whore-moans of your girl when she’s givin’ me brain…

Tradition Rating: You may recognize the blue turf and slightly confused teams from prior games as the Humanitarian Bowl, which boasts an illustrious history extending back to 1997. The bowl sticks out more than others since one of our favorite college monster qbs, Woody Dantzler, ended his formidable career at Clemson by throwing for four tds in the game in snowstorm conditions, a tiny orange dot running hither and thither against a blinding white and blue backdrop in a setting that surreal barely begins to cover. 1997…the year we had our musical hearts stolen by three of the prettiest little girls to ever grace a stage. Therefore, we give the Humanitarian Bowl a tradition rating of: Hanson.

Tradition rating: Hanson.

Setup: ACC vs. WAC.

Location. Boise, which is just begging for a rap scene that will dub it “Boi-Z.” Locals know what they’re up against when they market the bowl, for sure, with even the Exective Director of the bowl copping to the obvious knocks:

‘Well, first of all, it’s not Siberia,” said Gary Beck. ”We actually get only about 20 inches of a snow out here and it’s a dry cold as opposed to a wet cold.”

It’s a dry cold. Always a good starting point. Apparently Boise is quite beautiful–we have yet to see a city site boasting of a city’s “homely, rumpled people” and “bland, soul-obliterating landscape”– though the first thing you see on their city site is the Smurf Turf and a little potato gremlin running across it. Our favorite thing we’ve seen listed is the World Center for Birds of Prey, which makes us reconsider our choice to bring batter-fried mice as an in-game snack. The other logical question stemming from this is asking whether Boise is the world’s capital for “babies snatched from cradle by enormous carnivorous condor,” which would certainly suck as a parent, but would definitely increase the city’s heavy metal rating.

Matchup quality: Bowstaff-skills nice, in this case. Boise State will be in their final game with motivational guru/giant angry fetus Dan Hawkins at the helm, facing a very, very physical Boston College team. Boise’s fun to watch, especially on the aforementioned Smurf Turf, and Tom O’Brien’s moral objection to games with anything but a score of around 24-17 should keep things close.

What to watch for: Whomever is double teaming Mathias Kiwanuka, because they will be sliding backwards rapidly most of the game. Jared Zabransky, who may play a brilliant final game for his mentor, or flake out and throw three picks in fifteen minutes like he did against another very, very physical team, Georgia. (Gang of…) The roving gangs of substitutions Boise shuffles in and out of the game. Fans who dare to be shirtless in the “not-Siberian” weather of Boise. The hellbent, uncoordinated sprinting of the Boise defense. An eventual victory by BC by a score something like 24-17, because that’s what BC’s designed to do against a team just a few notches below them on the talent scale.