BOWLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL: MASTERCARD ALAMO BOWL

by Orson on Dec 28, 2005 12:23 PM EST

Name: MasterCard Alamo Bowl

Motto: "America's fastest growing bowl game." Which makes it kind of like a successful business, or an aggressive carcinoid tumor. Either way, it's something to be taken seriously.

Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: MasterCard, who coincidentally did or will sponsor your early to mid-twenties, too.

Tradition Rating: To show you the antediluvian tree rings of the Alamo Bowl we'd have to tell you that Hayden Fry coached in the first one back in the dark ages of 1993. 1993 was also the year we lost the scarlet V hanging around our neck; not coincidentally, it was also the year Bill Clinton was inaugurated, which touched off an association in our minds between Clinton/sex that took seven years to catch on in the rest of the nation. EDSBS: always a trendsetter! Therefore, we give the Alamo Bowl the tradition rating of: Sexy Bubba.

Tradition rating: Bubba.

Setup: Big 12 vs. Big 10. Can result in thrilling runouts like 31-28 Wisconsin over Colorado; may also result in 66-17 mutilations like the 2000 Nebraska/Northwestern game. Either way, San Antonio gets two conferences with teams known for traveling in numbers and drinking heavily, which can only please the burghers of the city.

Location. San Antonio, a town we know best for arresting Ozzy Osbourne in a green evening gown as he peed on the Alamo. A vibrant, multicultural city that allegedly does a roaring bar business come bowl time, San Antonio has a curious way of presenting itself:

The Riverwalk has multiple personalitiesquite park-like in some stretches, while other areas are full of activity with European-style sidewalk cafes, specialty boutiques, art galleries, nightclubs and gleaming high-rise hotels.

We could say the same about certain stretches of downtown Atlanta:

Intown Atlanta has multiple personalities--quaint, run-down ghetto spotted with hip-hop posters and young men grabbing their nuts, interspersed with ruthlessly redone craftsman homes owned by frowning hipsters pretending they're not yuppies, all mixed in with car washes, wig shops, upscale grocery stores, porn shops, and dog day care business located next to liquor stores and more porn shops festooned with more hip hop posters.

San Antonio--what multiple personalities call home!

The other thing we know about San Antonio is that Cloak and Dagger was set there, so if a dying FBI agent hands you a video game and expires on the pavement in front of you, run lest you be saved by Dabney Coleman in Green Beret gear stolen straight out of Richard Crenna's First Blood trailer.

Jack Flack always gets away.

Matchup quality: Matthew(dammit!) Jason Bourne-level intriguing. Michigan and Nebraska are both models of boundless potential restrained by some anonymous malaise on both sides of the ball. Nebraska's defense would shutter one team and then let Kansas roll on them; Michigan would straight smack an opponent one week and go soft-zone wacky the next. Offensively, both teams were even more erratic: the Wolverines watched Chad Henne regress for most of the year, while Husker fans pulled their nails out watching Zac Taylor play pass-0-matic in Bill Callahan's scheme. Analysts will rely on "whoever makes the fewest mistakes will win the game;" this is code for "I don't trust either team to fuck a watermelon with someone else's dick."
We can't really blame them for the ole.

What to watch for: For Michigan, the Henne watch will be all-important. With decent run support, he's the standard white-guy qb from Michigan, throwing the play action and boot to the TE passes with aplomb; without run support, he's herky-jerky and indecisive and will run the O into punt situations all day. The Michigan defensive lottery will be key, too, since the plague of the cookie-dough-soft zone could feed the Nebraska short passing hearty yardage all day.

None of this may be a concern for Michigan, though, because Bill Callahan remains one of the few coaches who can call a sure thing into a loss in matter of minutes. Running the dink und dunk with a qb who's right around fifty percent in completions does that to a pass-first coach, and Callahan's reliance on the weakest part of their offensive scheme in crucial situations has to make the staid farmers of the N-state weep into their popcorn. When it's good, it's a great system; when it's bad, it's terrible. And when a team is as inconsistent as Nebraska, the good doesn't stay around nearly long enough in a game to pull out a win.

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Comments

I don’t think you’re giving Lloyd Carr enough credit for his ability to lower himself and his team to the level of an opponent. That said, I think most Michigan fans are guardedly optimistic about this game. If Nebraska really can’t run, Michigan’s defense should be good enough. Just ask Purdue, a team that UM routinely beats because Purdue is usually pass-obsessed against UM, and Jim Herrmann is not bad when all he has to do is scheme for one mode of attack that isn’t creative running. On offense, Henne will need some run support, but he was great against OSU, so maybe he’s finally ready for his sophomore season? Who cares if it started four months ago?

by Joey on Dec 28, 2005 1:25 PM EST reply actions

I was really excited about this game 8 years ago.

by Stranko Montana on Dec 28, 2005 2:00 PM EST reply actions

Automatic $500 fine and Go Straight To Jail card for falling drunkenly into the water on the Riverwalk. Not a good way to spend the visit.

by bitterhorn on Dec 28, 2005 2:06 PM EST reply actions

Co-sign, Stranko. So was everyone. A Michigan fanzine was running a story this week for which it interviewed former Wolverines and Cornhuskers and asked them who they thought would have won that game. You’ll never guess the answers.

I’m telling you, I just want this game to be done with so we can move on. I feel like I have been trapped in a glass case of emotion—I’m bitter, nervous, and tired. This campaign needs to end so I can dream of next year (and next year’s inevitable disappointments).

by Joey on Dec 28, 2005 2:30 PM EST reply actions

brilliant as always, but i’m confused by the Matthew Bourne reference. Are you guys big dance fans or did you mean Jason Bourne?

i guess both are intriguing, but in different ways.

by ESMjr. on Dec 28, 2005 2:48 PM EST reply actions

Yes, we meant Jason Bourne. But aren’t we obviously huge modern dance fans, too?

by Orson Swindle on Dec 28, 2005 2:59 PM EST reply actions

Actually looking forward to the Blue Carpet/Notre Dame wanna-be’s matchup more than Meechigan/Blackshirts.

by PSUrob on Dec 28, 2005 3:03 PM EST reply actions

Bill Clinton was the fuckin man.

by Kevin on Dec 28, 2005 3:07 PM EST reply actions

Ah, now…depends on your definition of the word “fuckin’”, Kevin. He and Monica never did that.

And we tried the same shit with our spouse, we’d wake up strapped to an anthill and covered in honey in Haiti.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 28, 2005 3:14 PM EST reply actions

Sorry to come so late to the party, Kevin, but I just thought about it today. Shouldn’t you sell the rights to your site to the angered Illinois fans who are pissed that their school hired a coach who thinks he’s coaching a Sufjan album?

by Joey on Dec 28, 2005 3:15 PM EST reply actions

1) Who gives a fuck what Bill did with some intern? I think it’s lame that he did that to his family, but he is one of the best Presidents this country has ever had. I’m not gonna prattle on about politics bc mixing that with sports drives me insane.

In any case, Bill Clinton was a man who knew how to scream Pigggg Sooooiiieeee. The only footage I’ve seen of President Bush at a sports event showed him looking bored and picking his nose.

2) What the hell did Illinois expect? They had a mediocre team to begin with and signed a coach who has proven himself to be a coach who causes players to play below their talent level. At least when UF got him, you could make some sort of case for him.

by Kevin on Dec 28, 2005 3:42 PM EST reply actions

In retrospect, I still hate the Clinton years. Politics aside, those were the same years where the Gators and SOS ran roughshod over the best Vol teams since the 50’s. Yet, in parallel with the Lewinsky scandal, my Vols break the streak thanks to an OT win in Knoxville and go on to win the NC.

If there’s a link between Vol football success and sex in the White House, then here’s hoping Dubya goes on a rampage sexpage for his remaining 3 years. The hell with Presidency respect. Plus it’ll endear us to the French.

by Mike on Dec 28, 2005 3:52 PM EST reply actions

Hey, if if meant a national championship, we’d vote a joint ticket of Al Sharpton and Tom DeLay in. Zero hesitation.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 28, 2005 3:54 PM EST reply actions

You had me until you suggested endearing ourselves to the french. The crazy thing is, a sex scandal would likely make the Bush presidency worthwhile in many minds.

by Nick on Dec 28, 2005 3:56 PM EST reply actions

So, is he screwing Condie or what?

by Stranko Montana on Dec 28, 2005 5:00 PM EST reply actions

I rooted for Rutgers.

by Kevin on Dec 28, 2005 8:09 PM EST reply actions

… as do so many Jersey Girls.

by bitterhorn on Dec 28, 2005 8:18 PM EST reply actions

Space, Bitches. Space. Mishegaaans promo ad runs during halftime. Once again proving we’re all completely pwned.

Umm, other than their not covering the spread yet. Against an (allegedly) terrible Big 12 North team. Or the impending 4th quarter defensive collapse. But still. Pwnage.

by bitterhorn on Dec 28, 2005 10:19 PM EST reply actions

I am dead. Like, my life is over. Please update Straight Bangin and Schembechler Hall for me. You guys are funnier, anyway.

by Joey on Dec 29, 2005 12:12 AM EST reply actions

this is good

http://www.gizoogle.com/

try putting “http://www.edsbs.com” in the translate bar.

by saad on Dec 29, 2005 2:39 AM EST reply actions

Fucking A. “Cloak and Dagger”? Shit. Hey guys — I’d like the dark corners of my brain returned to me. It shouldn’t be chilling with the PCP and rattlers at your house.

by Newspaper Hack on Dec 29, 2005 11:23 AM EST reply actions