Texas has been given the unenviable task of finding someone to play Reggie Bush on the scout team; fortunately for him, EDSBS is presenting him with our belated Christmas gift of three nominees to help Mack Brown and the boys find just the right sim to play the ungodly fast USC back in practice.

1. Bones Jackson, Mutant League RB. When we saw Reggie for the first time, squirting free on a slant pass out of the slot and blowing through the flailing defense, we instantly thought of the Mutant League’s finest all-purpose threat, the intimitable Bones Jackson. Jackson shared Bush’s speed but also had something Bush doesn’t–an ability to literally slice through defenses, often causing unsightly forfeits in the middle of the third quarter due to mounting casualties. Coach Ace Bricka said he was the finest man to ever run Nasty Audible C, the trademark play of Mutant League Football, and opponents say that they often leapt into pits of open flame or tossed themselves on landmines rather than attempt a tackle on the intimidating back. Pros: Jackson never suffers muscle tears because he doesn’t have any. Cons: may actually dismember important members of your starting eleven in practice.

Bones Jackson: may cause dismemberment.

2. Nightcrawler. The original now you see him, now you don’t threat, Wagner gave ample evidence of his athletic skills playing on the German national team in the ‘66 World Cup before suffering a career ending concussion when George Best clocked him in the head with a bottle of Jameson’s in their epic showdown with England. Pros: Teleporting abilities best approximate Bush’s darting, dodging style, and give defenders a good understanding of what it’s like to try and tackle a mutant. Sulfurous gases left over from multiple teleports may also give defenders a feel for one of Matt Leinart’s less celebrated intangibles. Cons: Teutonic mood swings may result in a sullen scout back tossing the ball away and sulking off the field while digging in his pocket for his dogeared copy of The Sorrows of Young Werther.

BAMF!!! Nightcrawler would give Texas the right idea.

3. The Ghost of Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Unrivalled in terms of sheer elusiveness and the best the spirit world could offer in comparison to the flesh and bones specter of Reggie Bush, Old Dirty’s best resume for being the scout back for Bush came in 2000, when the already peripatetic father of 13 (verified) began a month-long end-run around the law. This excerpt from AllMusic’s bio samples the pinnacle of ODB’s escapability:

ODB turned up in a very public fashion at the November record-release party for the new Wu-Tang Clan album, The W (which had been dedicated to him, and featured his vocals on one track, “Conditioner”; other contributions had been deemed too bizarre for release). He took the stage in the Hammerstein Ballroom in front of hundreds of incredulous, wildly cheering fans, and only added to his mystique by managing to leave the facility without getting arrested, despite the large police presence outside.

That’s Reggie-Bush-elusive right there! (Read the whole bio in order to understand the vast reserves of “Ain’tgivafuck” ODB really had inside him. Did you know he was kicked out of a hotel in Germany for sunbathing nude on his balcony? Now you do. You’re welcome, by the way. )

Pros: proven track record of being elusive in tight situations.

Cons: dead.

Elusive, and unfortunately, dead.