Everyday Should Be Saturday

December 8, 2005

BARNETT UPDATE, PART TWO: REALLY, HE’S BUNKERED IN. WE’RE NOT KIDDING.

In News of the Weird a few years ago, we read about a pair of farmers who died when one fell into an enormous tank filled with pigshit, and the other died attempting to rescue him but was overcome by the fumes. We couldn’t really remember reading about a more disgusting way to die.

It’ s getting pigshit ugly in Boulder. We were joking yesterday when we said Gary Barnett was bunkered in his office, but despite House that Rock Built’s liveblog detailing the fictional standoff. But Barnett, whose shame gland was removed about the same time as his ability to coach was, isn’t budging, plugging his ears and continuing to grind along as if none of this “crap” (his words) was going on.

Which leaves AD Bohn with only the most noxious, damaging cards left to play: witness tampering, compromising random drug tests, and the divulging of a private investigator’s full haul on the Barnett portfolio of malfeasance. Scorched earth tactics are in full swing. We may have our most sensational story of the offseason underway before Bowl Game one even happens.

Call in the negotiator–Barnett’s not coming out.

YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS NOT TEH SUX0RZ: PART ONE

In case you missed it, we’re in part two of a series here. (Most of our serial features end up like the proposed “Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins!” series–not very serial at all.) In part one, we profiled a stereotypically bad university ad, a spot for the University of North Dakota. Hint: essential classes at UND would appear to be “bowstaff skills” and “sweet moves.”

Today we profile a truly kickass ad, one that manages to avoid all of the pitfalls the UND ads and many more walk gleefully into the teeth of: the Michigan “The Michigan Difference” ad. Enjoy.

School: University of Michigan

Ad title:: “The Michigan Difference.”

EDSBS title:: “Space, bitches. Space.”

Setup: A luminous shot of the earth seen from orbit, taking up half of the screen to the left. The deep rumbling sound that all science fiction fans will recognize as the scientifically inaccurate “deafening silence of space.” Three names fade into the right half of the screen, followed by the words “APOLLO 15″ and “AN ALL U OF M CREW.” A tinny, bouncy noise begins to echo, and a silvery dot grows larger on the screen…the lunar command module makes its entrance, and you hear the sound of “Hail to the Victors” being channeled through a treble-heavy NASA relay, with a male voice clearly dum-dah-duh-ing along. An announcer intones, “Our students move on, but the spirit stays with them.” End with shot of big yellow Wolverines “M” superimposed over half the earth with “The Michigan Difference” beneath it.

Subtext: Michigan grads go to space. Motherfucking space. Not just one, either, but three at a time. In fucking space. Which pwns your ass. We send them up there and they sing our fight song and everyone else sucks our hairy cheeks while we stare at you puny mortals from–get this–the furthest reaches of fucking space. Because being an astronauts is one of the few jobs where a person not only has to be a badass willing to be strapped to the top of an enormous rocket and shot into–yep–outer-motherfucking-space, but you have to be juggling-equations, balls-out brilliant to even think about doing it. That’s us. We rule, you suck, and that’s all too sad, isn’t it?

Space, bitches. Space.

Production values: High. Shot on digital with quality CGI effects. Good audio, particularly on the simulated Nasa channel.

Hits: Superimposing Michigan’s logo over the entire earth, which must look to Ohio State fans like the Dark Mark looks to Harry Potter. Associating Michigan with astronaut, one of only two basic childhood employment fantasies to require a college degree (fireman, explorer, cowboy, and pirate are, as far as we know, two-year degrees or apprenticeship programs. Doctor would be the other.)

Misses: Many young Michigan applicants might not know what NASA is, or at the opposite spectrum, might already be thinking about how limiting the federal pension system would be during retirement planning following their career as an astronaut. Lack of hot ass is weak, but oblique sports reference cleverly ties in heritage pandemic sports mania at U of M.

Summary grade: A. An ad that avoids the textbook pitfalls, looks like it had some coin dropped for it, and manages to convey the most important message of a university ad: come here, and you won’t be poor, ugly, and miserable like people who go elsewhere. (Cough cough Michigan State cough cough.) And unlike those Ivy league frilly-drawers, we send mad bastards to–yes— outer-fucking- space. Top shelf stuff.

FANS’ BILL OF RIGHTS: ARTICLE ONE, INTOXICATION

We may have to write a fan’s bill of rights pretty quickly if this is what’s around the corner:

Among the new measures under consideration are splitting up the student section or moving it further from the field, adding video cameras to monitor the student section, and adding additional security around the student section. Other actions under consideration are stopping bottles from being brought into the stadium and giving Breathalyzer tests to fans who seem drunk as they enter the stadium.

Being drunk as you enter the stadium isn’t a right? We thought the real problem was being drunk as you exited the stadium after splitting the gallon-sized zip-loc bag of everclear with your friends in the middle of the second quarter. And how the hell will we ever get into a stadium, since we seem mildly intoxicated, or at least mildly out of it, all the time?

And will coaches be subject to the same standards? If they are, Frank Solich might be calling in plays from the sports bar across the street, and Howard Schnellenberger will be sending in semaphore while reclined in a lawn chair just over the fence, sitting on a styrofoam cooler loaded with booze and deviled ham sandwiches. Oh, and he’ll have a Captain and Coke in his hands while he’s doing it, Mr. Asshole Booze Policeman.

Coach Schnellenberger may have to result to an old signal calling system if new regs take hold.

DOWNTOWN ATHLETIC CLUB CHEAPS OUT, ONLY INVITES THREE

As expected, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart and Vince Young will be in Manhattan for the presentation of the Heisman trophy. What was not expected is that Brady Quinn et al will not be joining in the invitation to look happy when they lose to one of these three (Reggie Bush).

Cost of Bronze increases forcing budget cuts for the Heisman Trophy ceremony.

BRADY QUINN WINS SAMMY BAUGH AWARD

There’s one quarterback award that won’t go to Matt Leinart this year….again…. as the Sammy Baugh award for college football’s top passer as determined by The Touchdown Club of Columbus went to Irish Uber-passer Brady Quinn. Last year Leinart was passed over for Louisville quarterback and sign languange afficianodo Stefon Lefors.

WEBLOG AWARD VOTING HAS COMMENCED

Although our nomination of MGoBlog didn’t amount to a hill of beans, we notice that there are some good college football blogs still in the running. We’re casting my vote for The Blue Gray Sky . Vote here.

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