TIPS FOR DRESSING FOR A FOOTBALL GAME
What does it take to dress properly for a college football game? The answers are here courtesy of Aggie Revolution.
Sometimes it takes more creativity than clothes to support your team.
December 6, 2005
EDSBS MOMENT OF ZEN
Somethings just make me laugh. Like this for instance.
If you could mix The Orgeron with Bob Davie, it might look something like this.
MR TWO CENTS: PHOTOSHOP RIPPIN’ AND ROMPIN’
Two fine pieces of Photoshop madness from Photoshop seifu Mr. Two Cents. Click if you dare: (more…)
YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ: PART ONE
Ensconced amid the endless Coors ads and Thrifty rental car spots where the guy in the Raiders’ GWAR gear walks through a metal detector, you may find a unpleasant reminder that what you’re watching on Saturdays may actually have a tangential connection to education: the neglected and often subpar University promotional spot.
Twice a game, the audio-visual club of the university–commonly known as the broadcast media department or “communications,”–makes their own clumsy stab at summarizing the daily operations of a university in thirty breakneck seconds. And how does the average university video tackle the problem of compressing such a busy, diverse community into thirty seconds? To quote one of the finest lyricists of our time:
Sure a lot of things happing at once,
With mind, everyone what’s going on (what’s going on?)
And when every shot you show a little improvement
Just Show it or it will take to long
that’s called a montage (montage)
Oh we want montage (montage)
When you don’t have a lot of time, you need a montage.
Montage! Show everything a student could possibly want to have in a university all at once and make sure you’re quick about it, sparky. The most common elements include:
1. Someone looking into a microscope (usually a minority female.)
2. Someone playing sports–at least two shots, one female, one male.
3. A shot of the campus’ most recognizable landmark.
4. Someone doing something artsy, even if it’s a tech school, because geeks like pottery, too, dammit!
5. A shot of someone graduating.
6. A shot of the hottest guy and the hottest girl on campus they could find on twenty minutes’ notice.
7. A finishing shot ending with the university logo and a video effect stolen from the archives of the NBC “The More You Know” public service ads of the 1980s.
Now those are just the bare bones, but most of the worst ones all use the same ones. (more…)
BOWL SCHOOLS KANT REED.
We have a few probing–heh, we said probe–questions about this report put out by Richard Lapchick saying 41 percent of bowl-attending schools don’t meet the NCAA’s APR.
1. We’d love to get our snark on about this, but when the average graduation rate of the entire national student body six years out from their entry date is just 54 percent, how the hell can the NCAA hold student athletes to a different standard? The article cites the “below 50 percent graduation rate,” but after tallying up early departures to the NFL and dropout, how far behind are athletes than the rest of the population?
2. Where is the text of the report? We can’t find shit about it on the NCAA’s website, which is just about as helpful as the customer service department of your local cable company’s.
3. How did the SEC do?
4. What’s up with the Pac-10’s five bowl schools all failing to meet APR?
If the Pac-10 performed so dismally, how did we in Gump country fare?
CREEPY RECRUITING NEWS DEPT.:
QB Mitch Mustain, Gatorade National Player of the Year, de-commits from Arkansas.Rampant speculation has Charley Weis sending photos of Catholic Schoolgirls in Trouble on the hour via cellphone.
DEPARTMENT OF RECKLESS SPECULATION: CARROLL, CARROLL, CARROLL.
Never to early to get the Department of Reckless Speculation humming and busy for the offseason, is it? We’re baffled at the acceleration in the learning curve of collegiate coaches over the past two decades or so. Once upon a time, coaching qualifications looked something like this:
1965 Coaching qualifications:
1. Looked good holding clipboard.
2. Could drink boosters under tables, tell at least three dirty jokes with aplomb.
3. Doled out cash to recruits in “tasteful” manner, either through handshakes at games or via mysterious part-time job at chicken plant outside town that yielded $1,000 a month for three hours labor. (Actual case taken from Gator program in ’60s.)
4. Could make his way through a Golden Flake Potato Chips/Scooter McShittingsley Dodge Dealership tv ad shoot on a Sunday morning despite blinding, painful hangover.
5. Oozed “folksy.”
Certainly met minimum 1965 job reqs.
Now coaching resumes are judged on the three and out rule, which means you’ve got three years to get something cooking before getting the hatchet and finding yourself coaching Finnish club football, working commentary on ESPN, or, god forbid, taking the D-coordinator’s job at Millsaps College. The three-year line seems somewhat arbitrary, of course; the same losers you shed at the three year limit balance out against the Harold Hill scheisters who flood the program with JUCO transfers, bend the rules of recruiting to their limits, and leave for the next ass in a skirt program that tosses them a come-hither glance and a fatter contract. (Cough cough Lou Holtz, Dennis Franchione, cough cough.) You also toss out the Kirk Ferentzes of the world, who struggle mightily through the founding years of their programs before making the quantum leap to national prominence.
(more…)
PENALTY, SCHMENALTY: KLATT GETS CONCUSSED
In case you tuned out when the score got to 56-3, we don’t blame you, but a sickening hit late in the Colorado-Texas game gave Joel Klatt the most obvious on-field concussion since…well, since another one of Gene Chizik’s assassins hit Reggie Brown so hard last year we thought he was dead on impact.
Add that to the infamous Junior Rosegreen “Cruciatus” hit on Reggie Brown last year and combine it with, oh, say, this screenshot from Joey’s fantasies, and Chizik’s defense’s thug rating lies somewhere between C-Murder and Charles Taylor, former Liberian leader whose “He killed my ma, he killed my pa, I’m voting for him anyway” slogan holds a lofty rank in the roster of “Brutally Honest Campaign Slogans.”
Chizik is Ukrainian for “Helmet to helmet.”
SPURRIER WINS SEC COACH OF THE YEAR
Up to his old tricks again, Spurrier made some noise in the SEC before losing to a Bowden. That was enough to earn him the SEC coach of the year award. And we though it would go to Fulmer.
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