KEITH JACKSON: STOP MAKING SENSE!
Courtesy of the House That Rock Built…Keith Jackson, real man of genius.
December 1, 2005
EDSBS PSAS: READ ASAP!
Two quick notes:
1. We would direct you to visit the Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer gift store and purchase one of Warren St. John’s fine Fanopticon t-shirts, especially the “I Skip Weddings for College Football” t-shirt. All proceeds go to The Literacy Council, which supports adult literacy programs.
2. Orson and resident gambler Solon will be posted up at the Brewhouse Pub in Little Five Points, Atlanta, this Saturday beginning at 10 a.m. Any and all readers or ATL-area bloggers are encouraged to attend and watch the Arsenal-Bolton game live and enjoy some beans on toast and an early pint before the final Saturday of the regular season begins.
EDSBS EXCLUSIVE!!! FULMER’S APOLOGY LETTER, DRAFT ONE
As most of you know by now, Phil Fulmer–who is very, very fat–is a bit of a gossip. (Know this though: apparently Fulmer only likes giving tips to the NCAA.) He also had a very, very bad year as Tennessee head football coach, prompting him to write an email to fans both apologizing to fans for the down year and promising to re-evaluate the program from the top down.
EDSBS has acquired an early draft of the email, which Fulmer hand wrote himself over a lunch of…well, a lot of things, we suppose, judging from the condition of the letter. The email is revealing: Fulmer not only continues to display his penchant for gossip–censored in red pen by the legal department–but also shows a shocking preference for the jelly donut, not the plain glazed Krispy Kreme that Fulmer-watchers long suspected.
Page 2 of Fulmer’s rough draft. Who knew Fulmer liked Dos Equis?
Dear
ungrateful ingratesTennessee Fans,I wanted to take a moment to thank you for the
making me fire Randy Sandersgreat support you give our team. Yourunhealthy, cheez-curl fed obsessionpassion and pride for our program is what makesmeuslie sleepless with a loaded Glock with no safety under my pillow at nightspecial!
LEINART WINS UNITAS AWARD, LADIES SWOON
The Johnny Unitas Golden Arm award goes to Matt Leinart for being the top senior quarterback in college football. We are guessing that the voting wasn’t particularly close on this one. In addition to being congratulated by teammates, reports are that Leinart was showered in ladies undergarments by swooning co-eds as he gracefully glided to Ballroom Dancing class in a magnatude not seen since Tom Jones released “What’s New Pussycat”. Be warned ladies, having a man with a golden arm doesn’t always work out well in the end.
Unlike Leinart, this man with a golden arm didn’t have Reggie Bush to hand off to.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF TROPHY FOUND
The Commander in Chief Trophy is safely back in the hands of the United States Navy today and ready to be brought to Philadelphia for the Army-Navy game. Although the trophy was found in a storage room inside Bancroft Hall, and not Baghdad, reports are that the trophy was sandy.
IS RON PRINCE IN AT K-STATE?
According to Virginia Sports (via Golden Tornado) Ron Prince is a shoo-in to be the next head coach at K-State. Ian, help us with this one, please: why Prince? And would someone thank Bill from ATL Eagle for putting all the cartoon analogies for ACC teams in one convenient location?
Prince may be in at K-State. Meanwhile, here’s the ACC done in Simpsons analogies.
SOLON’S PICKS, WEEK 14: SOUTHERN EXPOSURE
Solon brings you his final week of picks for the season–yikes!–from the Big Skinny, our neighbor to the South, Chile. What he’s doing there, we’re not sure; all we know is that Chile has mutual extradition pacts with the U.S.A., Solon, so if it’s the Feds you’re dodging, head on over into Paraguay with a gun in your duffel bag and a few thousand bucks crammed up your ass for starter capital for your next “import/export” biz. They’re friendlier towards real capitalism in Asuncion, brother.
Enjoy!
CFB blogosphere history almost certainly being made at this moment, as this surely must be the first CFB blog posting originating from the Southern Hemisphere; I come to you this week from Santiago, Chile, to be exact. Sometimes life throws us curveballs, and I had to get out of the USA before Homeland Security closed in. Fortunately, it appears my “problems” will sort themselves out in time for me to attend the SEC Championship game.
Solon is catching up with old “friends” in Chile this week.
To be honest, I´m a little disappointed; I expected to see llamas all over the place. I´ve seen a few, but they are not nearly as prevalent as I had hoped they´d be. No question–if I were an animal, I´d be a llama.
There are, however, hundreds of stray dogs here–most of whom look well fed, and none of whom ever beg for food. The most stunning thing is that I haven´t seen any dog poop anywhere. I do not know how that is possible, but if anyone knows the sorts of things they are doing here to fix that little problem, go ahead and let the Parisian authorities know what it is.
All right, this is a college football blog. After another good week last week, I now stand at 76-57-1 for the season, a 57% winning percentage. I´ve got a good portion of the dozen CFB offerings this week, so let´s hope those big mountains to the East don´t mess with my ability to get the job done. Here are this week´s selections:
Navy (-6.5) v. Army (Philadelphia, PA)
Army has had a nice little run recently, but if you assess the competition they have been playing it is not of high quality. (more…)
LEAVITT OPTS TO STAY AT USF
In Manhattan, Kansas, there are no mobile strip clubs, grouper sandwiches, women in bikinis selling hot dogs on the side of the road, or grown men still wearing Zubaz and listening to Loverboy. It’s also never cold enough to chap your penis, either, which is yet another reason why Jim Leavitt, the only coach in the history of the USF football program, has opted to stay in Tampa and end any speculation about his interest in succeeding Gary Bill “The Mole” Snyder at Kansas State.
We ask our Tampa readers: do you think Gary Spivey saw this coming?
Tampa Bay’s resident psychic must be jacked that Leavitt is returning.
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