Whoa--the passion exhibited by readers in response must mean a few things.
1. We hit a nerve.
2. Chris Berman and Stuart Scott need to travel in the protective Kathy Lee Gifford bubble from South Park-ASAP.
3. Skip Bayless, though, has no hope, since angry mobs will simply take his bulletproof bubble and throw it into the nearest convenient volcano.
Good to know that we, despite our gradual weaning off the Worldwide Leader over the course of the past five years, aren't alone in our cursing of the many-armed demon. Of course, we missed scads of things, as both the voluminous commenters and fellow bloggers pointed out. So in case you haven't gotten enough stabs in at the supine, bleeding body of Cable Caesar, here's some more from some of the best.
First, Brian, from MGoBlog takes us from 53-84 with his own list, our favorite of which is sampled below:
64. Those "hot" sideline reporters who all look like the kind of girl that's really appealing if you're 45 and married to someone who used to be thin. As a mid-20s wild and crazy guy, let me say: bitch, please. Go one of two routes:
* people (men or women) who know football and actually add something other than "tee hee" to a broadcast
Either is acceptable.
Exactly. Hire one of the Suicide Girls and make her do the whole thing in a Betty Page outfit while leading around a man--hey, how about Skip Bayless?--in a dog collar. But spare us the Stepford Wives. You're the average middle-aged viewer. You don't think you're making enough money, you're probably overweight, and you're probably married to someone with brown hair. (Just working the odds there.) Shocking--you find a woman who looks wealthy, thin, and happens to be blonde to be attractive! Amazing!
This just happens to be one of the reasons we like Holly Rowe; blonde, yes, but spunky and chunky in a way that suggests that she would a) drink real beer with you, b) split dessert, and c) enjoy a spanking every now and then while more than holding her own in the sack. There--try and watch her now without thinking about that. Exactly our point.
Mark from the fine Bemusement Park also chimes in with his list, taking the total to an even 100 with some grand cru suggestions along the way:
91. Bill Simmons. What? Look, I love the Boston Sports Guy, but I am sick to death of all the Billy Zabka, Andy Dufresne, and Brian Austin Greene references. Dude, you can write. You’ve got to be making some decent geedus these days. Buy some new DVDs, already. You’re starting to sound like that guy from high school who stopped forming new memories three days after graduation.
And finally, in a feeble attempt to be fair and balanced here, we'll mention Sunday Morning QB's "Stitch in the Gash," where he mentions ten things he actually likes on ESPN.
Thanks for all the feedback, and have a fantabulous Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers. By the way, what do you get when you google "ESPN Mustache" and hit image search? Voila :