FSU PHOTOSHOP OF THE DAY
Ain’t no way a Nole can eat fifty eggs in one hour.
November 22, 2005
GAMEDAY COMES TO L.A.–OF COURSE YOU LOOK FAT.
Gameday, for just the second third time in their history, is going to be live in L.A. for the UCLA/USC game. Given the historic implications of both the game and the broadcast, you can bet on a wide array of special events to take place just for the occasion:
—Reggie Bush will line up against UCLA defense on nearby rooftop. Bruins will fire hail of bullets at Bush, who flings himself back into an improbable stance and dodge the bullets in thrilling stop-motion special effects shot. Bush will then dive into oncoming traffic on the 110 and dodge speeding semi-trucks with ease at 80 m.p.h. while signing his autograph on moving car bumpers.
Yeah, kind of like that.
–Kirk Herbstreit and Corso will engage in a tried and true L.A. game day custom: gettting your ass waxed at halftime. Corso will have the procedure done while still wearing the Trojan helmet, prompting years of sodomy jokes at his expense.
–Nick Lachey interview of Matt Leinart will be interrupted by short, screaming Irishman fronting a rock band on the rooftop nearby. Will complain loudly about “THEY’RE SHUTTING US DOOOWUN!” before Fowler breaks the singer’s jaw with a vicious elbow cross to the face.
–The broadcast will suffer another setback as a mini-race riot breaks out on the set following the seizure of a black fan’s “CORSO SUCKS MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS” sign from the backdrop of the set by the LAPD, who subdue the fan by running him over with an APC. The violence will peak when Desmond Howard, kicking an immobile Nick Lachey in the head as he lays on the pavement, is shot along with 32 others by an irate Korean shopkeep with an Uzi.
–Pete Carroll will appear on set, give everyone a great big hug lasting just a little too long, and leave without saying a word.
–Matt Leinart will have problems avoiding the rush all day long, particularly from the paparazzi, whose constant blitzing and flashbulbs forces three fumbles on the day.
JUDAS BRUTUS
Johnny Majors, creaking to the podium at the Little Rock Touchdown Club with an IV of Glenmore Gin, knows that when a man is down the kicking is as good as it’s ever gonna get. The recipient in this case is Phil Fulmer, who in addition to being very, very fat also succeeded Johnny Majors in 1992 after Majors’ less-than-amicable firing. Majors said:
“I don’t pull against those players up there,” Majors said. “But I don’t have any regard for Judas Brutus, who’s coaching up there.”
Majors then chuckled, wobbled, and fell over after the weight of his massive, pendulous old man ears knocked him off-balance and sent him and the gin IV crashing to the floor. No injuries were reported.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A PROF SCORNED…
Will at Deadspin has our next tale of professors involving themselves in academics, this time at USC, where backup fullback Mike Brittingham’s cancellation of a meeting with Professor Lee Cerling prompts an angry email in response. The gist:
So sorry to hear of your illness. I had 40 fifteen-minute conferences and about 30 half-hour conferences this past week, for each of which it took me as much as an hour to prepare. So, after having cancelled two mandatory 80-minute class sessions to accommodate all of these appointments, when I get notice of a student’s inability to make a 15-minute conference 10—wait, make that 9—minutes after his scheduled appointment, due to illness, you can probably make a good estimate as to how much concern and anxiety that creates in me for the student’s well-being.
You can imagine my joy and relief, however, to find that you were able to recover sufficiently to play football today, and even to haul in a catch! Allow me to congratulate you on your achievement.
RIVALRY WEEK, GT/UGA: PAUL ON THE WARPATH
While we’re just cranking up the anti-FSU invective, Paul’s in full swing against the Jackets over at Georgia Sports.
CAVEATEMPTOR PRODUCTIONS: IDEAL FOR YOUR NEXT MEETING!
What’s more valuable than gold but just under your nose? What’s something that you can’t touch but need every single day? What’s the one thing you can’t put in a ledger or spreadsheet that drvies your bottom line every day?
If you said INSPIRATION, you’re right! We all crave it! We all need it! So for your next convention or company retreat, add that special INSPIRATIONTASTICAL™ touch with one of your Florida State football heroes presented by Caveatemptor Productions. They may have made history on Saturdays, but now they’re available most weekdays (after 11 a.m.) to share their stories of gridiron triumph and how they relate to your everyday life.
Our available speakers include:
Tamarick Vanover
“Interstate Finance and You: Movin’ Shit and Countin’ Cheese!”
Vanover, the dynamic kick returner for the Kansas City Chiefs, former CFL great, and FSU attendee shares the secrets of networking and personal interstate entrepreneurship in his seminar “Movin’ Shit and Countin’ Cheese!” Vanover will talk about his time operating a unique used car business, the importance of cooperating with federal agencies in every day life, and loyalty to your employees.
Chris Rix.
(more…)
BAAAAD JOKE
Oregon fans earn the Heckler’s Heisman with a truly baaaaaad joke, which is what happens when people find out you’ve been getting drunk and stealing gay sheep in your spare time.
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