WEIS SIGNS 4 MILLION YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION

by Orson on Nov 1, 2005 8:41 AM EST

Notre Dame announced late yesterday that they have come to terms with first-year coach Charlie Weis on a four million year contract extension. The unprecedented contract will pay Weis 4 million dollars a year adjusted for inflation over the first million years of the contract, with arbitration to determine pay increases as of the year 1,002,005 A.D. Bonuses include rewards for national championships, attending BCS bowl games, and surviving alien attack, plague, severe climate change, and Armageddon itself.

No one was more surprised by the terms of the contract than Weis himself.

"I honestly don' t know what they're thinking," said the coach at his weekly press conference yesterday morning. "I'm probably gonna kick off in forty years at most, and that's getting awfully optimistic, frankly. I probably like my brats and MGD a little too much to make it that far, you know?" Reporters chuckled in response.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, the prime mover behind the contract according to behind-the-scenes sources, attempted to explain the eons-long commitment Notre Dame was making to a man who would likely be dead long before the terms of the contract expired.

"Notre Dame is about passion, excellence, and a commitment to the things that matter," White said in a conference call Monday afternoon. "What better way to show that commitment to excellence than showing our commitment to the future--not just for the next decade, or century, but for the likely remainder of human civilization? It's innovative. It's proactive. It's thinking outside of the box. We want to be all of those things at Notre Dame, even when the spider robot overlords rule the earth in the year 32,956 A.D. "

White also refused to show concern over Weis' inability to survive the full span of the contract.

"Coach Weis has demonstrated excellence in all facets of his program thus far. We're positive that longevity will be just another facet he'll succeed in. But I want to also say a word about his toughness. We're confident Weis can guide the Irish to national championships time and time again, even through the Water Wars of the late 64th century and the Great Imploding Ass Fever epidemic of the early 26th century. When a recruit comes to Notre Dame, we want to say that your coach will always be there for you--even if Indiana becomes a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by roaming bands of body-armor clad psychopaths who would kill you for a single drop of gasoline. "

Weis, seen here in the late 24th century, has the tactics to guide the Irish through tough times, according to AD Kevin White.

"We're looking for a Coach to guide us through tough times like that. Charlie Weis is that man."

Despite the generous compensation, Weis still appeared befuddled when pressed by reporters.

"One jackoff writes a column and they go frickin' nuts around here, " said Weis. "One column. I'm sitting there looking at it and going, 'Hey, you know I'm gonna be pushing daisies up in forty years,' and the lawyers are sitting there just saying 'Charlie, think of the recruits.' So you sign the thing, shut 'em up, and go back to your office for a cup of coffee."

Students, however, expressed their excitement at Weis' landmark contract.

"There's gonna be robot spider overlords?" said ND student and football fans Ed Korlovski. "Fucking A, I say. Weis will own them. "

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Comments

I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. Weis said he was staying 10 years the day he got the job, he’s repeated it many times, and now he has a contract that will let him stay for 10 years.

by Bill on Nov 1, 2005 8:50 AM EST reply actions

Surprisingly, over the course of the million year contract, Notre Dame will be 0-327 against Boston College.

by Ryno on Nov 1, 2005 8:51 AM EST reply actions

Luckily for Notre Dame, losses to D-II schools don’t count in the official BCS computer rankings so the Irish are still able to make it in the the BCS bowl games on a near yearly basis.

Also, after studying preservation techniques perfected in Happy Valley, Coach Weis is able to roam the ND sidelines for two centuries more than most people anticipated.

by Pat on Nov 1, 2005 9:09 AM EST reply actions

Reporters chuckled in response.
Do you know how often this happens, especially in sports? We show up, talk to brain-dead coaches (I attended several PCs with then-USC/current ND d-coordinator Rick Minter) and laugh like paid flunkies at their bad jokes. “Oh, coach! You’re so funny! Give me a decent quote — please?”

by Newspaper Hack on Nov 1, 2005 10:32 AM EST reply actions

Screw the Robot Spider Overlords, after the Great Imploding Ass Fever epidemic Charlie’s gonna be the only coach left with a decent sized ass! Fridge, Fulmer, Mangino – even if they were still alive they wouldn’t be any competition. Can you imagine how top heavy and unbalanced Llloyd would be if his ass imploded?

Seriously, you guys are crediting Kevin White with way too much capacity for intelligent thought…

by Rick on Nov 1, 2005 10:59 AM EST reply actions

That’s not funny, asshole!

Wait, yes it is.

by Shane MacGowan's Teeth on Nov 1, 2005 11:54 AM EST reply actions

I dug up this picture of Kevin White in the 24th century.

by Jay @ BGS on Nov 1, 2005 12:12 PM EST reply actions

We think that’s We Are The Boys, actually.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 1, 2005 12:33 PM EST reply actions

I smell a future roundtable talking point.

“If your team was a character from the Mad Max movies, which would it be?”

by Jay @ BGS on Nov 1, 2005 12:50 PM EST reply actions

Weis has beaten 2 teams with winning records. That is it.

What if Georgia had given Jim Donnan a 10 year deal after 1997? What if Auburn had given Terry Bowden a 10 year deal after 1993 when he went 11-0 in his debut?

I can’t decide what’s more outlandish. The quality of his agent or the FEAR of the Notre Dame administration in losing out on what may or may not end up being a great coach.

Even Ty Willingham went 8 or 9-0 to start.

That contract will either save Notre Dame or kill them.

by paulwesterdawg on Nov 1, 2005 4:23 PM EST reply actions

Paul—

Normally I respect your comments, man. But seriously—if you can’t see the difference between this team and Willingham’s 8-0 team that won with smoke and mirrors, didn’t have an offensive TD until their 4th game, and should have lost at least 4 of those games, then you need to stop watching college football.

I’ll grant it’s probably WAY too early to be handing out contract extensions (though I’ll point out that Davie’s “contract extension” actually made it easier to fire him, which was the point), but the comparisons between this season and Ty’s first season are simply ridiculous. Ty’s team won on the strength of the defense that Davie left him (and Mattison ran for him, because we know it wasn’t Baer) and when those players left the next year, the defense seriously regressed. Weis has installed an offense that simply kicks butt—something Ty told us couldn’t be done in 5 years, much less 5 games. Weis’s staff has taken the WORST D in ND history and done enough with it to win. This season hasn’t been about lucky bounces and flukes like Ty’s first season. I shouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t watch every ND game to spot all the differences, but it should be readily apparent that there are major differences to any observer.

by Nate on Nov 1, 2005 6:12 PM EST reply actions

Are you comparing Weis to Willingham or to what?

I’m not saying he’s not a good or even possible a VERY, VERY good coach. Just saying that this is the single highest risk maneuver that I’ve seen from any school in regards to a new coach in history. There’s nothing even close.

BTW — The difference between Terry Bowden’s 1993 team at Auburn that went 11-0 and the last 2 Pat Dye teams was at least this large AND they were beating quality teams in the process.

by paulwesterdawg on Nov 2, 2005 12:17 AM EST reply actions

Remember—terms of the contract haven’t been disclosed. It could run the spectrum from ironclad, pay-every-fucking-cent plus a buyout to three years guaranteed with fluffy payout ‘till ten thing. We doubt it’s as restrictive as everyone says it is.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 2, 2005 7:47 AM EST reply actions