DRINKING WITH THE STARS: GEORGIA SPORTS ON COACHES AND BEER

by Orson on Nov 1, 2005 5:10 PM EST

Paul beat us to a long-bandied question: which coach would you want to have a beer with? And more importantly, who wouldn't you want to have a beer with? Paul gives some fine answers, but we have to add our contributions, if only because we think we're very knowledgeable on the topic.

Top Three Coaches To Drink With:

1. Ed Orgeron. Allegedly doesn't drink anymore following a conversion to Christianity and a domestic violence incident many moons ago, but we'd be more than happy to feed the beast inside The Orgeron three quarts of bourbon and watch the small town of Oxford get the Rambo treatment from a shirtless, raging Orge. We'd play the part of Richard Crenna, ducking behind a flaming piece of wreckage and screaming at the hapless Sheriff, "YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!" as National Guard helicopter pilots watched The Orgeron catch rockets in midair, rip the tip off with his bare hands, and spit the explosives into their rotors with devastating effect.

Shots on the house!

2. Mike Shula. With Ed, we think the drinking would probably begin at a dive bar with shots and end under an overpass in Southern Mississippi with guzzling something purple out of bottle in a brown paper bag prior to our final showdown with law enforcement. With Mike Shula...well, we're thinking 2 for 1 dacquiris at Chi-Chis,

maxing out at the four dacquiri mark before we ask him about all the secrets of the Alabama program-- like seeing if it's true that the severed head of Bear Bryant is really kept in a jar of Formalin passed from coach to coach, and if the real reason Mike Price was fired was taking said head to a strip club and attempting to tip a stripper with it. We imagine him as...giggly.

3. Mark Mangino. We just want to see how much beer we can fit into the fat bastard, that's all. Seriously: we bet the guy could eclipse twenty in a four hour span with little difficulty--that's a realistic guess. Downside: we might die attempting to even keep half pace with the perfectly spherical Kansas coach, or at least earn a righteous stomach-pumping.

Guys we wouldn't drink with:

1. Dennis Erickson. Like a boozy, erratically orbiting Kohoutek, he's gonna be back in college football before long, and when he eventually falls into the orbit of some needy program the liquor stores of that town better brace themselves. Erickson is one of college football's last surviving shotglass-cleaning apemen, and we'd bow out of any night of drinking with him for fear of waking up in Singapore with a splitting headache, staples in our back where a kidney should be, and a mysterious soreness in our ass. Orgeron and Erickson in the same bar could start a coup--which is exactly what happened at the 1986 Port-Au-Prince Coaches convention, where a drunken meetup between the two overthrew the corrupt regime of Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, simultaneously liberating Haiti and plunging the island into chaos. Danger, danger.

Baby Doc Duvalier, deposed by a confluence of two uncontrollabel natural forces.

2. Sylvester Croom. Would avoid just on the basis of the Big Man Rule: when a big man starts to cry, you simply have no choice but to cry along with him. If Croom is feeling sentimental, we'd be goners, and we'd like to keep the little dignity we have left by avoiding the embarrassment of weeping drunk in public...again.

3. Bill Snyder. Remember the movie The Opposite of Sex? Back when Christina Ricci had tits? Bill Snyder is the star of a movie called The Opposite of Fun, and the script is his miserable, molelike life as coach of the Kansas State Wildcats. Would order a ginger ale and scowl as you tried to goad him into telling jokes starting with "Michael Bishop is so dumb..." (how dumb is he...) A nightmare scenario drinking wise, unless you can double the discomfort and drive him away by paying strippers to dance in his direction.

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How about former coaches?

1) Gary Moeller – obvious.
2) John McKay – You have to figure after the fifth gimlet that ol’ Johnny Mac would lose the self-deprectating good natured humour and turns into Louis Black, spitting vitriol at every one in range. Plus, you could get all of the great O.J. stories he’s been hiding.
3) Woody Hayes – Seems like the kind of guy who would go blind on monshine, pummel you lifeless in some deserted corn field, and then weep over your bloody corpse saying he’ll never love another man in quite the same way again.

by Sam on Nov 1, 2005 5:29 PM EST reply actions

That’s pretty epic stuff about Christina Ricci. She’s got a funny face (not bad, just funny) but she was built good way back when. I don’t know what she looks like now, but I saw her on something a few years back (Ally McBeal? I don’t know, I was just flipping channels) and she looked hideous.

Snyder is also regarded as a notorious dick among gamblers because he doesn’t fess up with regard to injuries. What a wanker.

by Solon on Nov 1, 2005 5:32 PM EST reply actions

LMAO, Sam. Quality work on the Woody bit.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 1, 2005 5:33 PM EST reply actions

You think Mike Leach takes the same approach to taking shots as he does scoring points. “I don’t care if you’re gonna throw up and your wife will be mad! We gotta get down 20 Jagrs!”?

by nixforsix on Nov 1, 2005 5:49 PM EST reply actions

Ricci’s sister went to BC. I met Christina at a party once. Very, very short. Might not even break 5 ft. As weird as you would imagine, but she was 17 or so at the time and probably drunk and/or high.

by Bill (from BC) on Nov 1, 2005 5:59 PM EST reply actions

I have to think a night drinking and culminating at a strip club with Gary Barnett would be fun. The man knows the mind of the 18 year old. And that’s the mind I want to have after drinking copious, extensive amounts of alcohol.

by LD on Nov 1, 2005 6:30 PM EST reply actions

And Mike Leach is a Mormon – no drinkin’ there.

by LD on Nov 1, 2005 6:31 PM EST reply actions

I’m not man enough to drink with The Oregron. I know my limitations.

by paulwesterdawg on Nov 1, 2005 7:04 PM EST reply actions

“Remember the movie The Opposite of Sex? Back when Christina Ricci had tits?”

Remember it? I own the DVD. Great flick (and a painful reminder that Lisa Kudrow should have ditched the rest of the cast of Friends then—if she had, she might still have a career).

by Chris Lawrence on Nov 1, 2005 8:53 PM EST reply actions

You need him in this bar

Something to bring a tear to any Ole Miss fans eye: Orson Swindle says Coach O would be the #1 college football coach to go drinking with. I cant disagree, even if the man does frighten me. Dont believe Coach O is a scary man? Watch the Ole Mi…

by Signifying Nothing on Nov 1, 2005 8:58 PM EST reply actions

Greatest of all time: Erk.

Red-faced drunken Irishmen who tell tall tales are tough to top for pub fun, so I’d enjoy a few carbombs with UCF’s coach.

I’d also like to buy one for Frank Solich. That dude got the hose.

And LD, don’t think I missed the Coenen reference.

by The General on Nov 1, 2005 11:12 PM EST reply actions

Me: “Mike, you can be my wingman anytime.”
Shula: “Shit — you can be mine.”
Cue sentimental theme music.

by Newspaper Hack on Nov 2, 2005 12:51 AM EST reply actions

I’m going with the Old Ballcoach himself. Both because of my hero worship problems and because after a few whiskeys the fat jokes about fulmer and the short jokes about Bowden would be flying. Good times guaranteed.

by Stranko Montana on Nov 2, 2005 8:38 AM EST reply actions

Sure The Orgeron doesn’t drink anymore … unless you count downing quart of motor oil and chasing it with the bottled tears of his players as “drinking”.

by Craig on Nov 2, 2005 9:30 AM EST reply actions

How about Lou Holtz? A couple of his intravenous cocktails would increase your neck size by 5 inches and allow you to bench press a Yugo.

One guy I’d never drink with is Ron Zook. That guy turns wine into water.

by Philly Gator on Nov 2, 2005 11:18 AM EST reply actions

The last two comments are proof that this blog attracts readers smarter and wittier than either of its editors. Nice work.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 2, 2005 2:26 PM EST reply actions

I second Stranko on Spurrier. Sober = visor tantrums. Drunk = … guaranteed slurred rival coach impressons.

After this week’s Halloween prank at USC, I also say Pete Carroll. Three reasons: 1) just to see the shit he’s try to pull, 2) to see if he’d “I’m Keith Hernandez” and get away with all of it, and 3) out on the field, tousled and yelling, he kind of resembles Gary Busey’s employed, socially-acceptable brother. Get him drunk and I bet we could have our very own one-night “I’m With Carroll”. Probably get higher ratings than Busey.

by gatorjess on Nov 2, 2005 4:45 PM EST reply actions

Gatorjess—a lady gator blogger? Whoa. That alone might get you linked.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 2, 2005 4:51 PM EST reply actions

Hey, thanks. These months, I blog a lot about the Boys, but I must warn you that there are some intermingled nonsense posts about silly life as a twenty-something woman. Probably not the biggest concern of your readers. But I’ll take that compliment, and feel free to check in at my Double Denim (a subtle nod to our jean shorts) any time. My last post vented about the single-sleeved jerseys.

Shameless plugs aside, I thought of another coach. Frank Beamer. Routine Nole matchups, his worst seasons end in Gator Bowls, Coach of the Decade, lunches with Clinton and Thatcher. Oh, and he’s Frank Beamer. The best thing about being a Gator living in Tallahassee is wearing a Tech shirt with my Gator hat.

by gatorjess on Nov 3, 2005 8:54 AM EST reply actions

I’d love to get JoePa pass-out-drunk (I’m bettin’ 3 beers would do the trick), just so I could snatch his coke-bottle glasses and see how the world looks with those bad boys on.

by richabbs on Dec 23, 2005 1:06 PM EST reply actions