25 THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE GEORGIA-FLORIDA GAME THIS WEEKEND
by Orson on Oct 28, 2005 9:59 AM EDT
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Print1. With temperatures hovering in the fifties and sixties, likelihood of camera crews catching an overheated UGA mascot cooling testicles on bag low.
2. Todd Blackledge, despised CBS analyst, will win us over for two minutes with his creepily accurate Spurrier impression. He will then blow it immediately by going back to being Todd Blackledge.
3. City of Jacksonville will provide ample parking, abundant, well-stocked liquor stores, and the faint whiff of sulfurous poo pervading the entire city...which Gator fans, for the better part of 15 years, have recognized as "the smell of victory."
4. Verne Lundquist will be debased by CBS again by reading this promo again.
5. The Cocktail Party, a.k.a. the repuS Bowl of Sun Belt Fashion. A Gator fan will wear jean shorts. A Georgia fan in pleated khaki shorts will laugh at him. Somewhere in a well-heeled metropolis, a gay man will clutch his chest and think that he's heard a sound of agony, "as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced..."
6. Joe Tereshinski will look better than anyone anticipates. That, however, doesn't say much.
7. Leonard Pope will catch 18 passes for 226 yards, 4 TDs, and also kick the game-winning FG...with his mind.
8. He will also forge a golden calf from his massive fillings before the game and give it to the people of Jacksonville to worship.
9. He will also punch a hole in a cow just to see who's coming up the road.
Georgia TE Leonard Pope. Carries 60 dollars in change in his stomach. Once inhaled a seagull.
10. Oh, and he will breastfeed a flamingo back to health, and teach you how to make love to a woman and scold a child.
11. People you'd rather not think about mating will.
12. Between both teams you will see seventy screen passes called. None of them will work.
13. Reggie Nelson for Florida will look good at safety. Greg Blue for Georgia will be absolutely terrifying.
14. NCAA 2005 Heisman level difficulty rules apply: first one to 20 wins!
15. Mark Richt will take a prolonged nap between the early third quarter and the middle of the fourth with his eyes open, turning over the playcalling to Ms. Harriet Wilkins of Commerce, GA, Section 27, Row 16, seat 35, for twelve whole minues . No one will notice the difference.
16. Freakishly long-armed Dallas Baker will catch anything thrown to him. If a live oak could run a 4.5, it would be Dallas Baker, a wide receiver who begins every play with the tickle of grass blades on his knuckles. The Gators most improved offensive player in a year largely devoid of offensive good news.
17. Chris Leak will throw for over 300 yards after spiralling into Omar Conner territory for most of the season. If you take that seriously, we will also be performing our smash hit and Eurovision Song Contest submission at halftime in Alltel Stadium, "Love Love Discotheque '05 All Right! (The Istanbul Song/Jason Nevins remix) with our close personal friends Chaka Khan, Martika, and backup band GWAR.
Chris Leak's totally got this thing now. And we're tight with Chaka, too, even after the breakup.
18. Vernell Brown will catch a punt, fake once to the left and run for a four yard return--every freakin' time.
19. Florida will block something this game or fake a punt.
20. Georgia will go long for a touchdown once due to a busted coverage in the secondary.
21. Rap-metal will be utilized in CBS's pregame intro. Jacksonville native Fred Durst will bob his head on his pleather couch in appreciation and return to eating his way through three day-old party sub. Hipster intern in trailer will cringe, dream of day when he can put MF Doom behind quick cut footage for a living.
22. Camera crews will capture gratuitous up-skirt shot of cheerleaders' pudendas as male cheerleaders hold them aloft. Brent Musberger will, from hundreds of miles away, say "A million red-blooded middle-schoolers just joined the cheerleading squad, compadres." He then breaks down into drunken tears.
23. Chris Leak will get sacked six times. Each one will look worse than the next.
24. Someone will win in Jacksonville. Someone will lose in Jacksonville. Someone will get drunk and catch herpes in Jacksonville. A message to that someone: you've just been "Swindled"--and you're welcome.
25. Georgia 23, Florida 17.
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I nearly spit my beer out after the AL/TN game hearing Lundquist say “hardbodies.”
by Nico on Oct 28, 2005 10:25 AM EDT reply actions
Gah, I’ve been pretty busy lately and off the radar, I regret. And not being at EDSBS enough, clearly.
This was an A+++.
BTW, two friends of mine (and a guy Michael and I graduated with) went as Gatorfans to a halloween party last night, I’m sure you’d be proud. Ridiculously short cutoff geneshorts, gator attire, earings in one ear, and two of the best mullet wigs I have ever seen. I’d describe the shoes – which didn’t fit any “attire cliche” but were just fantastic to look at – but I passout everytime I think of then.
I bring this up because I believe in balance, and I like think that somewhere last night, to Gator fans went as UGA fans to a halloween party, and “pleated khaki shorts” were the ensemble mainstays. Fantastic stuff, Orson.
by Peacedog on Oct 28, 2005 10:29 AM EDT reply actions
Thanks—good to hear from you, Peacedog! Personally, we wish you all the best and hope you’re doing well. Of course, on the gridiron we hope you choke and die this weekend. But as you can see, we totally think that’s not happening.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 28, 2005 10:35 AM EDT reply actions
Leonard Pope will catch 18 passes for 226 yards, 4 TDs, and also kick the game-winning FG with his mind.
is it just the field goal with his mind or the catches, too?
by Brian on Oct 28, 2005 11:00 AM EDT reply actions
No…they can’t keep them on the road. One speed bump and those things snap like twigs.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 28, 2005 11:24 AM EDT reply actions
I’m thinking there’ll be a reference or maybe even an interview of Curtis Leak on Chrissy’s interest in going pro after this season. This reference will be made between the 5th and 6th sack that you predict.
Also, there’ll be numerous references to Urb’s scheme and how it’s struggled in the SEC.
Finally, a dialogue between Big 10’er Todd B and Verne on how UGA, if undefeated, will be locked out of the BCS just like Aubie. It’d be very interesting if the CBS team will bring up the discussion that’s taken place this week re: ESPN’s impact on college football. I could see CBS making an effort to promote UGA or Bama in an effort to break through the existing BCS status where an SEC undefeated champ doesn’t get to play in the CG. Blackledge might even go so far as to say something like “It’s hard to imagine an SEC champion that’s undefeated not getting to pay in the CG” and talk about the perceived weak schedules of UTx and/or USC.
by Mike on Oct 28, 2005 11:43 AM EDT reply actions
The Brasky skits have nothing on the gems you can pull out of the Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris fact generators. Updated for one Mr. Pope
The moon landing was in fact fake, and staged in Leondar Pope’s back yard. Leonard played the part of the lunar lander, while his penis played Neil Armstrong.
When Leonard Pope has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.
Leonard Pope took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
Every time a bell rings, Leonard Pope rips an angel’s wings off.
I better stop now, this is too addictive.
by JacketDan on Oct 28, 2005 12:14 PM EDT reply actions
One more, because it’s just too good not to use.
Leonard Pope prefers Pepsi to Coke, McDonald’s to Burger King, and, surprisingly, Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, Leonard Pope responded with, “I don’t trust Doctors.” Then, he shot lasers out of his eyes, and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
by JacketDan on Oct 28, 2005 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
Prediction #4 (stipulated until Richt coaches FSU or Urban takes over Rutgers): Urban buys a set of Bibles from Richt for every touchdown UF scores.
Seriously. Next time they cut to Richt on the sideline, mouth along with him, “Now, seriously folks, every dollar from every Bible sale goes to our missionaries in Eritrea. So give generously.”
Somehow this has been rendered less funny without Van Gorder in the next shot.
by ideateller on Oct 29, 2005 1:51 AM EDT reply actions
We did the same thing on the Tennessee game. We’ll take being called dick-breath for a victory over Georgia, we guess. Oh, and Kevin? It’s Mr. Dick-breath to you.
by Orson Swindle on Oct 29, 2005 7:54 PM EDT reply actions
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