Vijay, the stat-assault artist who runs “I Blog For Cookies,” eschews all attempts at enumerating this week’s blogpoll and instead goes with x+1. Fortunately, despite our hyperventilating at the sight of even the most basic of algebraic expressions, his questions are pretty damn interesting. Check out IBFC for the finest in Michigan analysis not involving Ghostface Killah or happy kitten references.
1. The Envy Poll (as seen on rsfc)
Name the five teams, other than yours, whose accomplishments you respect / envy the most. Use whatever criteria you feel is appropriate (wins, titles, consistency, academic integrity, competitive integrity, NCAA violations, general thuggery, mascot intimidation factor …).
1. Penn State. Cue cheesy horn music, but we respect the hell out of Joe Paterno and the decades of total, kamikaze commitment to the team and the community. No names on the uniforms. No NCAA rules committee implosions. Hardnosed offenses and a defensive legacy littered with names straight from linebacking 101. The NittanyLions never won nasty under Joe Pa and never won cheap. The epitome of how a program can succeed without showing its ass.
Some people get it…
They don’t even need a logo, bitches. That’s hardcore.
On an entirely different planet…
2. Miami. They came from nowhere in the span of ten years and brought ass-shaking, ball-spiking, camo-wearing theatrics to college football, all backed up with airtight skill and speed like college football had never seen before. If Penn State was class, Miami was all ass: ass shaking in the endzone as Randall Hill almost singlehandedly created the term excessive celebration, ass getting beat by their demonic defensive lines, and ass disappearing into the distance on an INT return or perfectly thrown play-action post route against your team. Academics and integrity? Who needs that when South Beach is calling and Luther Campbell’s on the phone? The best gold-chain wearing bullies college football ever had. They kicked your ass once, admit it–and you liked it.
…and some people don’t stop get it, get it.
3. Alabama. Again, not an academics or program integrity pick. (See ESPN’s piece on Logan Young boasting that “he learned from the master” when it came to buying recruits–the master being the Houndstoothed One himself. ) All Alabama teams at their best look the same: dressed in a shade of red best described as “killin’ time crimson,” methodical on offense and brutal, brutal, brutal on defense. Throw in the evangelical fervor and unrivalled tailgating skills of their fans, and you’ve got a top-flight college football biome.
4. Army.
5. LSU. We just want the food.
2. Admissions. With regard to Question #1, what is the most damaging criticism of your program that you will admit is a legitimate criticism? That is, what negative trait does the most damage to the overall respect level of your program (in your eyes, or to others, interpret as you will).
Impatience. Going into 2001 some fans thought Spurrier was done. Even if Zook had full brain function–which it’s now pretty apparent he doesn’t–he would have faced hell from the Talifan section of the fanbase. Meyer’s getting the same treatment now and not reason, nor evidence of past success, nor the lessons of putting a coach in the pressure cooker too early will stop us from doing it.
That said, we think he should be fired if he doesn’t win a national championship next year. 
3. Unrelated Discussion Question
Who do you think is the best player in the history of your program? Tell us a little about him (especially if he’s not a household name). Feel free to pick someone from 50 years ago that none of us has seen play.
Danny Wuerffel. The ultimate college player in that he was slow, threw like a pretty little girl, and could take a jailhouse beating from a defense without significant effect. Classy like Ron Burgundy, too.
Special nominee: John Xynitis, the walk-on special teams guy who just couldn’t grasp the idea of the halo rule and ruined three guys’ dental work during the 1996 season. Not the greatest player, sure, but the greatest example of a player whose last name started with ‘x’ who never met a fair catch signal he recognized.
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