THE COSTANZA FILES: MAKING OUR COUNTERINTUITION BENEFIT YOU

by Orson on Sep 12, 2005 5:18 PM EDT

After going 0-3 after a 1-3 start, Orson's gone 1-6 for the beginning of the season for a total of 5 under on the season. Superb if you're Vijay Singh; dismal for a handicapper. Bill Callahan showed that he can beat a team that lost to Vandy, thus ruining our glue-sniffing upset pick of the week, Michigan looked like Jeff Bowden was calling the plays in a hapless effort against Notre Dame at home, and LSU smacked us in the forehead and called us healed for not believing in miracles, defeating our go-go Pac-10 pick of Arizona State.

But hell, we wouldn't want to be Vijay Singh, anyway, what with the manboobs and mild personality disorder he seems to have. So we're going with the positivity here and turning our total inability to pick games into your advantage.

Announcing our new picks feature: The Costanza Files.

Our weekly picks column will now consist of exactly what you shouldn' t do in the face of wagering danger. Our positive correlation sucks--in fact, worse than what total chance would give you on average--but our negative correlation is fucking UNREAL. So like our hero from Seinfeld, we suggest you walk your fat, balding ass right up to Lady Luck, look her up one way and down the other, and proudly announce that you're unemployed and live with your parents. Count the cash and watch that sweet gig with the Yankees come right to your feet.

Live like a tiger. Bet the Costanza files.

Solon, our resident positive correlative punter and forecaster, went 7-6 this week. Nice work.

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Comments

You’re just jealous that a dude in his mid 40s can rock a soul patch and still make 10 mil a year. That shit almost makes Mark May’s face look cool.

And I think some people are misunderstanding Solon’s picks. After his picks he talks about “Other Games of Note”, but these are not games he feels strongly enough to pick. Rather, games he has thoughts or ‘leans’ one way or the other, but can’t bring himself to pull the trigger.

He can confirm for you, but methinks he went 6-3 this week, and it so happened that his 3 “Other games of note” all lost.

by Kanu on Sep 12, 2005 7:23 PM EDT reply actions

Damn, Kanu, I may be a bloody drunk but I did have the wherewithal to pick ND. My “other games of note,” therefore, went 1-2.

In a stunning development, my “premium picks” (or whatever phrase I’ll shout on my infomercial) did indeed go 6-3. Be sure to bet against next week, I won’t pull that shit off again.

by Solon on Sep 12, 2005 11:14 PM EDT reply actions