Charlie Weis may have run off another Willingham recruit, but he pales in comparison to the culling of the herd/Bataan Death March Ed Orgeron’s got going on in Oxford lately. Orgeron blames the eight departures on homesickness, a word Orgeron uses here to mean “swelling of the brain caused by a combination of dehydration and blunt force to the head.” Everyone seems to be referencing “The Junction Boys” for this story, but we’ll pull a different one and suggest “White Water Summer,” where Kevin Bacon plays an overly zealous summer river guide who brutalizes a hapless group of kids. Bear’s kids won one game the year following their hell camp; will Orgeron earn a rock to the head for his? Whatever happens, we’re betting Orgeron could catch a trout in his bare hand like Vic does in the film. We’re also betting Orgeron would punch it in the head and eat it in one bite just to prove his manhood, too.
For a while now, Seminoles and EDSBS have had a common enemy: Jeff Bowden, the only son of Bobby Bowden who hasn’t either been a head coach or convicted of fraud. FSU fans have been calling for a chop to the head for Jeffy since the ‘Noles offense began its slide from a turf-burning, look ‘ma, all-pass attack under Mark Richt to the “Pop Warner” shambles Bowden instituted, sending FSU’s offensive ranking to a 23 year low last season.
In case FSU fans didn’t have enough reason to spike Bowden’s gas tank with sugar this season, here comes Jeffy’s mind-blowing response to having the run game removed from his responsibilities, courtesy of the Palm Beach Post:
“I don’t want to deal with the running game,” Jeff Bowden said. “I’m not going to sit here wondering why we’re not blocking this guy or that guy.”
We’ll just sit for a while and let the what-the-fuckitude seep into your bones for a minute.
The AJC, now cheap as free thanks to lazy, cheap readers such as ourselves, kills time with the rest of us in splendid fashion with an article on the vanishing stiff-arm. They mention Adrian Peterson as one of the few remaining practitioners of the move, but they neglect to mention our favorite stiff armer, a certain Gigantor of a qb from UAB:
Darrell Hackney of UAB: Stiff-arming his way into your heart.
Mandel’s preview of the day? The SEC, though it says Pac-10 at the top, a confusion we’re relishing a bit right now. Mandel calls the SEC “rugged,” you know, like the Himalaya, Wrangler jeans, and the good looks of Clive Owen. In response, we expect nothing but histrionics toward Mandel, who is still one of the best writers around and has replaced Pete Fiutak as our resident MSM mancrush. (Pete, we’re through. You’re too provincial, and besides, we could never make it work in Wisconsin. It’s too cold for our hothouse flower of a soul. Ciao…)
Mandel picks Florida first in the East, which makes us jittery as a mercury-poisoned hattter, especially since our inner sports sociopath flipped out when we heard about Florida’s clanking offensive showing in practice on Monday. Mandel doesn’t pull too many jokers from the deck in the preview–LSU good, Vandy bad, gravity pulls down and Tara Reid drinks, etc…–but there is one fine line worth sampling here:
After starting at bare bottom, Sylvester Croom’s team can only get better.
We were unaware that Croom’s team played last season in assless chaps. We didn’t see Miss. State in the shotgun very often last year, so we’re hoping Omar Conner wore gloves. Thick ones.
Mandel neglects to mention if they plan to change the chaps portion of the uni, so we’re left to guess whether the Bulldogs will continue to put a little Judas Priest into their Saturday outfits.
If you think a football team can’t play in assless chaps, you got another thing comin’.
LSU wide receiver Amp Hill left the football and has decided to transfer. Let the speculation begin on where this former blue chip prospect from Jacksonville will end up.
Loading ...
