Ripped from a bad idea jeans commercial, the powers that be at ESPN greenlighted the production and airing of a new show called ESPN Hollywood, which premiered this Monday on the Deuce. The concept is that the show will be sort of an Access Hollywood, but for sports. Brilliant. If only they could find the right host you say. Never fear, A.C. Slater is here. That’s right. ESPN has tapped non other than Mario Lopez to co-host this horrific concept that embodies everything that is going wrong with ESPN. Thankfully, it looks like the world might not be coming to an end as we know it, as the first installment flopped majorly pulling in .08% of all cable watching homes. In the words of USA Today:
That translates to 75,000 households, which happens to be the standard industry projection for the number of homes where viewing levels are determined by pets accidentally hitting TV remotes.
Once this show inevitable goes off the air, I suggest it be replaced with ESPN Big Brother, in which we watch 10 strangers locked in a home with only access to the ESPN family of networks. That should be great with the male 18-35 demographic, don’t you think. Perhaps they could get Kelly Kapowski to host that one.
With Slater as host, how can it fail.
Catholic Packer Fan brings us another sign of the apocalypse: the Octodog.
In our ongoing efforts to serve you, dear reader, we search high and low on the internet and find our mustache of the day courtesy of Purdue’s wide receivers coach Bob DeBesse. We call his style “The Phoenix Metropolitan Area Swinger.”
That is a gameplan in my pants, baby, and we are soooo happy to see you.
Mandel, in a last flurry of off-season glazomania, lists the biggest preseason rankings busts in recent history, including our personal favorite, SI’s crackededest bit of crackpottery, the daffy anointing of Oregon State at no. 1 in 2001. Never forget one thing: like Tom T. Hall, Dennis Erickson likes beer.
It took intellect on par with Ron Burgundy to have picked OSU Number 1. (by request, we had to find a way to get good ole Ron involved in Mustache Wednesday)
What would Mustache Wednesday be without a Mark Mangino reference or three? First, KU has quietly become a hotbed of controversy, with Kansas AD Lew Perkins reprimanding Mangino and company in the wake of vague recruiting “transgressions” that resulted in self-imposed restrictions for the Jayhawks. Anytime an AD waggles around letter of reprimand in the direction of a coach he did NOT hire, it’s time to start watching said coach’s career EKG for flatline.
Second, KU is embroiled in a minor quarterback controversy, with Brian Luke, playing the role of the stolid senior recruited by another coach here, pushing even in a contest with Adam Barmann, the upstart qb recruited by current coach Mangino. The Lawrence Journal World goes Pro/Con with it here and here. (Check out their site–today the weather forecast is for “broken clouds.” Is everything heartbroken in Flyover Country? She certainly doesn’t seem to be. )
Say this for Mangino: despite only incremental improvement on the desolate plains of Kansas, for the first time in a while we don’t think of pompadoured serial killers prowling the highways in Buicks when we think of Kansas. Now we just think of balloon-shaped, fleshy coach with a mustache. That has to be improvement, right?
Another mint, Mr. Creosote? Isss only waahhhfer thin…
CoverTwo brings us this Ole Miss bulletin: a booster has commissioned an Orange County Choppers specialty bike for the Ole Miss athletic program in order to “support the school and increase excitement about the upcoming football season.” We’re just waiting for a shirtless Ed Orgeron to enter each game tweaked on a handful of yellow jackets and drive the thing through a flaming hoop set on the visitor’s sideline at eighty miles an hour. Judging from Orgeron’s maniacal motivational sessions in the preseason, the elders at Oxford better have a sniper waiting with a tranq gun loaded and ready to go for the third quarter, or Ed’s gonna bull rush the alumni section and eat someone before November.
Which leads us to our question of the day: who would win in a fight, Ed Orgeron, or Paul Teutel of O.C. Choppers? Our money’s on Paul, if only because of the protective powers of his handlebar mustache.
We’re not saying it’d be pretty, but Paul would win in the end.
We were going to cleverly caption a photo and place it under the news that Lou Holtz, cheater, had picked his own befelonied club over the Georgia Bulldogs in their upcoming matchup. Westerdawg beat us to it in grand fashion.
While we were paying attention to more pressing matters–like flossing and reading “The Quotable Spurrier” for the ninth time, for example–Heismanpundit huffed some gas and wrote this. To say that we see the world differently would be an understatement, and that we remind him not to spill the 97 octane stuff on his official Jim Rome-I’m-West-Coast-so-I-don’t-wear-a-tie-pundit’s-turtleneck™ .
Dreaming of his imaginary army of clones, HP gears up for another post.
Our “All Name Team” Candidate of the Day? FSU’s Broderick Bunkley, who while not named D’Brickashaw, does have the potential to be a massive defensive tackle nicknamed “Bunky.” The same link also features these two bits:
1. Bobby Bowden saying dadgum four words into a quote. (No!)
2. Urban Meyer playing further head games with the freshmen, this time placing black tape on their helmets until they do something to earn the status as “true Gators.” In Cobra Kai, there is no weakness…
The Gator offense stalls in practice against a defense allowed to blitz, play press coverage, and apparently bring shivs onto the field as they force the O into fumbles bad snaps, and a pair of Chris Leak interceptions. Fanboys: panic now!!! Celebrate as this all changes on Thursday when they run wind sprints through the D and everyone starts talking SEC titles again. In comparison, see Vandy run a scrimmage. See Jay Cutler throw a 95 yard TD on the first play. See Vandy go to the Rose Bowl! Find your meds, put on some early Jimmy Buffett, and relax….
Just a cheap excuse to feature Buffett’s epic early ’70s ’stache.
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