Well, Coker will be the Canes coach through 2009 (or at least will be paid to be) thanks to a new deal recently inked. The unassuming coach will now be one of the highest paid in the ACC which means he can continue lighting Cubans with hundred dollar bills while trolling South Beach in a guayabera buying $20 martini’s for struggling models trying to make in the biz. Yup, life is good to be a millionaire college football coach in Miami.
We’re stuck in the low-pressure eerie quiet preceding the hurricane of college football kind of moment lately. We’ve read our previews, hate CFN’s site now, and pace the floors drinking wayyyy too many cups of coffee and throwing for 625 yards a game with Omar Jacobs in NCAA 2006.
(Tony, Omar can fucking thrash people in that game. Take joy in the fact that your team can lay claim to one of the greatest video game qbs ever. Seriously, it’s “near-Jerome-Bettis-in-College Football’s-National-Championship” level domination. Raise a pimp cup. )
BGSU fans, raise a pimp cup to your deity of a virtual qb, Omar Jacobs.
We realized, though, that we hadn’t in fact tried to reinvent every devoted fan’s doting preseason column, the absurdly presumptious game where you attempt to pick the exact score of the game and the outcome before you’ve even seen down one of the season. It’s just asinine enough for us to try it. Strictly for entertainment purposes, of course, unless you like to gamble illegally, which tons of people do. In that case, they’re just as valid as anyone else’s crappy guesses.
Wyoming. Speed Buggy used to make this noise when he talked, a kind of sputter mated to a cough crossed with a laugh. That is the noise we’re guessing will be coming from the Swamp as the Urban Meyer offense, like a growing boy, shows all elbows and knees in an unexpectedly challenging first matchup of the season. Okay, at least for the first half, when an option pitch or two goes awry, receivers miss their marks, and Chris Leak sees live fire from the roll-bar only cockpit of the midget sprint car that is the Urban Meyer offense. It may not be pretty, and it may be nothing close to comfortable at halftime, prompting fans to look not to Urban Meyer, but to the sidelines for a clueless man with a granitic chin urging his team to calm down and just play losing defense. (Don’t worry–he’s in Champaign-Urbana getting “excited” and calling bubble screens.)
(more…)
After a dangerous brush with real journalism yesterday, we’re devoted to absolute stupidity and short-attention span theater today. Thus our in-title tribute to the greatest rapper Canada has ever produced, Snow, and our totally random-ass rundown of what we’re reading this morning in between bouts of real work and caffeine-binging.
-Vernell Brown, who’s all of four feet tall, has won the corner job at Florida. He’s short, he’s already got a degree, he’s a nice guy, and has all the cuddly bits the SIDs love to feed to reporters. 
What the article doesn’t mention is his ability to jump like a flea and defend much taller receivers, which would beat our only technique for defending much taller receivers–kicking them in the nuts the instant the ball is snapped. Think Pac-Man Jones with an intellect and without the record and the dookie roll, and you’re on the right track.
-Mike Shula mentions the thought of going with two kickers. Why does this sound like catastrophe? Because it’s an atrocious idea, or because Brick’s the one saying it? We thought the great thing about having a kicker is you have only one flaky ex-soccer player to blame a loss on. Giving the bunker-dwelling sports-sociopathic crowd in Birmingham one more number to call in death threats to just can’t be a good thing.
-Nebraska players entangled in steroid ring investigation in Lincoln. Did people always suspect this because of the proximity of people to cows in Lincoln? Like they were just injecting the cows with hormones one day, plugging along, then took one look at the muscular cattle they were turning out and said, “What the fuck?” and plunged away into a waiting vein before immediately walking onto the practice field?
A cow like that will give a strength and conditioning coach ideas. And not like that, pervert.
-Cheatypants Sweatervest has demoted Troy Smith, the catalyst of the Buckeyes’ winning run last season, to third-string for a series of off-season gaffes. Still driving the Escalade this week, we guess, though we didn’t call the local dealerships to find out the specifics.
-Wyoming’s most experienced running back, Ivan Harrison, will be on the sidelines for the first month of the season, including the opener at Florida, rehabbing his rebuilt knee. (Umm, the right one, actually. Almost all running backs have two, unless we’re talking about Frank Gore or Herbie “Pogo” Johnson, the great one-legged back from Ole Miss who ran for 893 yards in 1923 despite losing his left leg below the knee in a freak Lindy Hop accident.)
By the way, Trent from Wyoming Blog thinks Glenn is Bama-bound.
Those go-go gadget knees just aren’t enough to let Jason White continue his dream of playing on Sundays. White, the former Heisman Trophy winning quarterback at Oklahoma, was competing for the third quarterback slot for the Tennessee Titans this preseason. He says he stuck it out as long as he could before finally throwing in the towel due to his weak knees.
We continue with our homage to the comic genius of the Daily Show by providing you with our own moment of zen.
Okay, so Oran Utangs are endangered… at least they are going out of existence having a good time learning how to water ski.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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