We begin chapter one of our lessons and investigations of Pepidemiology, the science of Pep and fandom in college football, with a brief overview of the most basic element of Pepidemiology, the fight song.
First of all, the fight song is not to be confused with other music played by the band or the PA (hello, Canes) during the course of a game. Georgia may play “Go Georgia Bulldogs,” and Texas may play “Yellow Rose of Texas,” “Deep in the Heart of Texas,” and even “Pussy Got Me Dizzay” by Houston’s UGK, they are all not the official fight song of Texas, “Texas Fight.” In this chapter we will only be discussing the officially sanctioned fight songs of each school-supplemental music will be covered in subsequent chapters, along with cheers, pregame and ingame traditions, and quality of fan participation, including alcohol tolerance and propensity to fill up the jails on game day.

Clemson fans are experts in the art and science of Pepidemiology. They can also drink quite a bit, too, which helps.
What makes a fight song? A good title helps. The title should be something invoking the name of the school or the team: hence, the Colorado Buffaloes’ “Fight CU,” or the Wisconsin Badgers’ “On Wisconsin.” Having an exhortation in there helps, too, like “fight,” “fight on,” or a noun like “victory” or something irresistable like “march.” Any of those will do. Note: a few choice fight songs avoid all of these, instead going for something more evocative, such as Tennessee’s “Rocky Top,” or even have two fight songs, as in Ohio State’s case. As with all rules, exceptions are allowed, as long as they’re not too divergent with tradition. The best example of an intolerable choice of fight song came in the early 1990s, when Miami abandoned their traditional “Miami U Fight Song” for “Pop that Thang” by 2 Live Crew. The move was short-lived, but it stands as how NOT to do a fight song at the college level.

The ‘Canes were, for a while, as nasty as they wanted to be.
The next important ingredient is sound. Since most theme music for colleges orginated in the 1920s and 30s, the sound is a traditional one with modernist tweaks: military band arrangements with ragtimey accent, typically played very quickly, often ripped through at lightspeed following big plays in games. The songs should not be pleasing to the ear; leave that to the snoozy alma maters. The fight song should sound like one is waltzing with a hippo on methamphetamine, or driving an overloaded truck down a steep mountain road with no brakes, a flat tire, and a head full of schnapps. It should sound like an arrangement three feet from disaster, ideally. Southern bands are allowed slightly funkier arrangements, heavier on the ragtime and jazz; military schools or teams with more martial team names (Trojans, etc.) are allowed more emphasis on precision and pomp. Above all, it should sound like two hundred slightly tipsy college students playing music in wool/poly uniforms with less than perfect musicianship. Unless you’re FAMU’s band, the best college unit in the land, complete with the best trumpet line and funkadelic dance routines.

All of the rules above are null and void when talking about the amazing FAMU Rattlers’ Band.
So you know the basics now. Let’s explore the essential tunes, broken down into several different categories:
1. The Musty Classics: USC’s “Fight On” is a near-perfect example of what we tab as a classic fight song: pleasantly martial, with a thumping bass drum and a cheeky woodwind interlude in the middle, it could be a fight song or the theme to a WWII caper movie starring David Niven and Lee Marvin as paratroopers leading an impossible mission behind enemy lines. Their arch-nemesis, Notre Dame, also scores high marks for the “Notre Dame Victory March,” heavy on the brass and crazy, trilling woodwinds. Meeeechigan’s “The Victors” is heavy on the pomp and drama, and just sounds like a team pounding their way down the field. “On Wisconsin” is another classic of great dignity and grandeur, even if we always sing the following lyrics to it:
On Wisconsin,
On Wisconsin,
Give us all your cheese…
Finally, the last two essentials are the best of the academy themes, Navy’s “Anchors Aweigh” and Air Force’s “Wild Blue Yonder.” Both are stirring, fun, and almost make you want to put on a uniform.
2. The Regional Specialties. Down south, the fight songs tend to involve a little more swing to them, consistent with the regional inability to be on time or read directions properly. This has produced classic like LSU’s “Fight for LSU” , which even sounds like a New Orleans piano rag, the swingy “Yea Alabama,” or even Texas’ “Texas Fight”, with its smeary trombone parts and mock reveille in the middle.
Some songs go a different way with the regional specialty. The most notable is Tennessee, who took a song describing the murder of snooping outsiders and turned into a hoedowny fight song that soothes the ears of Vols fans and causes most others’ to bleed in annoyance, “Rocky Top.”. The Civil War still lives in Athens, with UGA adopting “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” as its fight song.
3. The Dullards Much as it pains us to say this, some fight songs are so devoid of character they make Kelly Clarkson sound like Billy Holiday in comparison. The University of Florida, our own alma mater, suffers from a painfully bland fight song, “Orange and Blue.” Colorado’s “Fight CU” comes dangerously close to a dirge, and Ohio State gets relegated to the “Dullards” category for having not one, but two tepid fight songs. What makes them all so bad? They’re practically indistinguishable from the next, a description that could apply to the majority of college fight songs. (Especially the MAC and the Sun Belt conferences: they’re posted, but don’t bother listening to them. We went through the tedium so you didn’t have to, dear reader.) In a final note, we put the otherwise peppy Florida State fight song in this category, not for lack of quality, but for bad planning. The song features a spell-out in the middle that opponents have taken advantage of for years to turn the song against them:
F-L-0-R-I-D-A…S-T-A-T-E!
(Hostile crowd, in unison: SUCKS!)
Florida State! Florida State! Florida State!
(Hostile crowd, again in thunderous unison: SUCKS!)
4. The Hidden Gems. Some fight songs, however, surprise. Maryland’s is extremely elegant and classy, with an exceptional sing-along bit. “Mighty Oregon” is another pleasant surprise, very traditional and grand with plenty of trumpet-led choruses and a puffy, critical-sounding bridge. Finally, we have to give the Sunshine State’s best fight song to UM,
whose “Miami U Fight Song” has a great chattering drum line part and a tamper-free spellout complete with “Fight fight fight!” in the middle of it. If only you could hear it over the Trick Daddy tunes at the games.
Next week’s installment of Pepidemiology will be Supplemental Music and Cheers.. Please review all materials, as there will be a quiz over the material we covered today. We’re off to the Pink Pony-good day.
NOTE: All links to fight songs came lovingly from: http://www.netheaduniversity.com and http://fightmusic.com/. Please give ‘em some love.

Just yesterday we were wondering what the hell had happened to the Sports Guy, one of the inspirations for this column and an original punk sports blogger. Well, here’s an explanation from the man himself. It smells of burnout, which is understandable: when Bill gets on a roll, he’ll sometimes get into the tens of thousands of words before the stops. Most of it’s better than anything we’ll type, but cranking that kind of volume out everyday on the internet sets an impossible pace-especially when your columns are expected to be funny every time. Best of luck on the new schedule.

Pete Fiutak, still chained to his desk somewhere deep in the bowels of FoxSports and fed through an IV, continues his Bataan Death March toward the season by previewing Mike Price’s UTEP Miners. No comments on Price’s debacle at Alabama or his predilection for strip clubs, but we’re guessing (and in our heart of hearts, hoping) Mike’s taken the UTEP credit card for a spin or two here.

Heisman Pundit shows the Gators and new coach Urban Meyer some love as he predicts a big and balanced year for the Gator offense. We here at EDSBS.com (especially after attending the Orange and Blue game) we see the possibility of big things in Gainesville too, but will lack the confidence that they will “roll through the SEC like Schwarzkopf through Iraq”.

With Meyer at the helm, the swagger is back for the Florida fans… how long will it remain.

We disagree with Rupert Murdoch on a lot, but there’s one thing we will acknowledge: he’s very rich, and we’re not. Fox does sports better than any of the giants, and College Football News is another example of that mass-market supremacy. Not only do they have our internet man-crush and laptop slave Pete Fiutak rolling out daily preview capsules like little easter eggs for us to discover in our RSS scripter, they also run a great mailbag and make college football lists as compulsively as we do. We do have one advantage on Goliath, however: the ability to type “shit” or “fuck” whenever we want to…

James Banks will not be returning to Tennessee. If this were NCAA 2005, Fulmer would have just used up all his discipline points for the year.

A crowd of 150 showed up for an open “town hall” meeting with new Colorado AD Mike Bohn, who held the meeting due to an ever-widening gap between the community of Boulder and the athletic programs at CU, particularly the shambolic football program. Surprisingly, despite an open mike policy, no one suggested firing Super-Genius Coach? Gary Barnett, already under investigation by the IRS and largely culpable for allegations of odious recruiting practices during his term. We’re sure Bohn and the rest of the administration just don’t want to buy out Barnett’s ridiculous contract when they’ve just suffered budget cuts have faith in Barnett’s integrity as a leader and molder of young men and as an offensive genius.

Trust him: he’s a genius. How else do you get one of these signs?

And we thought we did a nice column on games to watch-Dennis Dodd goes large with a month-by-month, exhaustive, and absolutely essential breakdown of games that will make life worth living this fall.
Like everyone else, he’s picked the obvious-Boise State v. Georgia, Ohio State v. Texas for early kicks, Georgia v. Tennessee and USC v. ND late-but highlights other games with real intrigue potential this fall: SMU v. Alabama, Bowling Green v. Boise State (The IV bowl, since that much running would make anyone dehydrated), and in what he calls his “morbid curiosity game,” Navy and the ole’ triple option at ND. We were reminded of a few things bearing mention, as well.

Omar Jacobs: half of the reason BG v. BSU will be the biggest shootout of the year.
-Huevos Awards for scheduling go to USC and Boise State. USC not only rolls through the Pac-10 and their annual showdown with the Irish-they added a date with Fresno State and their trucker-looking coach Pat Hill a week after the Cal game, let the mysteriously lucky Houston Nutt and the Razorbacks come into the Coliseum, and go to Hawaii for their first game. It’s the Nathan’s Hot Dogs schedule: no filler, all meat. Pete Carroll really does believe in stacking the deck, BCS-wise, and if the Trojans march through this schedule, their national championship will be uncontestable. Period, case closed, ovah.

USC’s schedule: all meat, no filler.
Boise, who Dodd likens favorably to early FSU teams, put track meet masters Bowling Green on the schedule in addition to going down south to Athens to face UGA in Sanford stadium in front of a whole lot of screaming, whiskey-fueled fans who don’t like anyone very much.
(Quick story break: while attending the 1995 UF-UGA game, we made the mistake of taunting a UGA fan about thirty rows away giving the entire University of Florida Pride of the Sunshine the finger. Eric Kresser then took the field in relief of Danny Wuerffel, and threw a perfect flea flicker TD with a minute or so left on the clock, ensuring that Florida would become the first team to score fifty on UGA in Athens in forever. The bird-shooting fan then reaches under his seat, pulls out one of the bolts securing the seat to the bench with his bare hands, and then throws it at our head. He then continues to shoot us the bird. Fortunately, the bolt landed in our flowing locks, which are leaving us a little day by day. But point made for the few, intrepid Boise State fans planning on making the trip: they get scary in Athens if you get up on them by a few.)
An honorable mention goes to Pat Hill, who should get this award every year anyway for his insane scheduling, deserving mention for putting both Huevos Award winners on the Bulldogs’ docket. Fresno will play both the Broncos and the Trojans this year-don’t be shocked if they beat one of them.

Pat Hill: never got the 1983 memo on handlebar mustaches being out, out , out for men.
-Miami at FSU’s stock as a cardiac arrest inducing early season stop has fallen precipitously. (We mean the cardiac bit literally-our wife’s grandfather had a heart attack during the 1987 game.) The expansion of the ACC has something to do with it, but more likely the drop in significance comes from Miami’s ongoing offensive remake and the slight downward turn FSU’s taken as a program. Pappy Bowden, in defense of his son and OC Jeff Bowden, said that nine victories wasn’t a bad year, and he’s right-unless you’re FSU, and you’ve just put your son in way over his head calling the plays for a team in an ever-toughening new conference schedule. Oh, and Florida’s got Urban Meyer now. Buenas suerte!

When they start the websites demanding your head, it means trouble.
-Notre Dame’s season could be off to a catastrophically difficult start. We didn’t realize this, but four of its first five games are on the road, including Meeechigan and Purdue. Weis better invest in the industrial barrels of Maalox at Costco, because Irish alumni will be brandishing the shillelaghs often and early. He’ll shut them up in the second half of the season, however, with the remainder coming almost completely at home, including the “morbid curiosity game” with Navy. We almost wonder if, at this point, Irish fans won’t attempt to pull Weis off the sidelines with a crooked cane, or send the Sandman out with a broom like they do at the Apollo.

If he weren’t dead, Irish fans could have sent Howard “Sandman” Sims after ND coaches who fail to perform. Click here for a bio of the original sandman.

Twenty-two year old Oklahoma State safety Vernon Grant died in a car accident in Dallas last night. Grant, a three year starter, will no doubt be missed by his teammates on and off the field.