L’IL JOHN: A COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE
Since we’re posting from Atlanta, we could try to excuse this as regional news. Ladies, be not afraid…
March 23, 2005
GENIUS WATCH, MIDWESTERN EDITION: BILL CALLAHAN
We first became aware of Bill Callahan’s existence as we watched the Tampa Bay Bucs call out the plays of Oakland’s offense before the snap in Super Bowl XXXVII. (Really, if you’ve never seen it, it’s astonishing. John Lynch is almost laughing as he calls out the routes to Dwight Smith in the secondary. So were we.) Despite the subsequent implosion of the Raiders the following season and Callahan’s firing, Nebraska went bold and hired him anyway, flabbergasting the option crowd in spring practices with exotic shifts, strange formations, and other esoteric features like “the forward pass” and “play action.”
So we weren’t very surprised last year to watch Joe Dailey play pitch and catch with the other team’s secondary for most of the season, even though Nebraska clearly still retained the capability to run the ball over many of its opponents and win a few more games to finish with a winning record. It was agony watching their drives: a dropped pass, a six yard run, then a quick slant on third and four right into the hands of a DB. (From memory I would swear I saw this happen every time I watched the Huskers play, but I’m sure they threw an incompletion every now and then on third down, too.)
So Callahan got stubborn, they finished with a losing record for the first time since the Kennedy administration, and Callahan is caught on tape after a 30-3 loss to the Sooners calling Oklahoma fans “fucking hillbillies.” (Normally we’d like a coach that did this, but we reserve the term “hillbillies” for those who actually qualify, like Tennessee and West Virginia fans. Sooners would be “rednecks,” “hicks,” or perhaps most accurately, “shitkickers.” Usage matters, people.)
Bill Callahan: On the Genius Watch
So the Genius Watch for the Midwest this year falls squarely on the shlumpy shoulders of Bill Callahan, who despite bringing in a bushel of corn-fed blue chippers this year will be very much under scrutiny in Lincoln. He’s already taunting the Sooners in spring practice, which Bob Stoops will no doubt have noticed. The first time his QB throws a pick on 1st and goal at the opponent’s one, we’ll bet the grumbling will get awfully loud in Lincoln.
Genius Watch Status for Callahan: ODD, WITH A HINT OF PLAIN WEIRD.
USC BEGINS PRACTICE WITH BOOTY IN CHARGE
As an undergrad at the University of Florida, the staff of EDSBS.com was thrilled to hear that we were recruiting a talented WR out of Louisiana by the name of Booty. Turns out UF couldn’t attract Booty, and he ended up going to LSU, where he in turn attracted the other Booty brother, Josh. Sad as it was, we consoled ourselves with the knowledge that we were at least keeping quality Booty in the SEC.
LSU evidently lost the magic Booty touch, though; John David Booty, the next in a long line of outstanding Bootys, decided against following other Booty to LSU and opted for a scholarship at New Booty Central, a.k.a. USC. Now with Matt Leinart out due to shoulder surgery, Booty is really taking charge of spring practice in L.A.
This entire piece was written for two reasons, by the way:
1. To exhaust a marginally funny joke through repetition.
2. To post something-nay, anything-about West Coast football and pretend like we care. For a more detailed-read admirably obsessive-take on USC’s spring practice, we encourage you to check out Boi From Troy, written by our favorite kind of conservative, a gay football fan. He cares lots about our Left Coast brethren.
Booty in charge!
IN PRAISE OF REDNECKS: THEY MAKE THE POLICE BLOTTER INTERESTING
Who’s to say rednecks don’t contribute their fair share of value to society?
Monster trucks, Jerry Springer, Jerry Reed, Smokey and the Bandit, professional wrestling, interesting fare in the police blotter, the “Dancing Outlaw,” the guy Brent Spiner used to play on “Night Court”(Bob Wheeler-click here)…really, that’s a hell of a list right there. I’d even add mathematical genius/formerly crazed schizophrenic John Nash to that simply because he’s from West Virginia, and where the hell is more redneck than Bluefield, West Virginia?
And who’s to say the South has a monopoly on redneckdom? West Virginia shares a border with Pennsylvania, which may explain why two Penn State players were charged with shooting graphite arrows from a compound bow into the wall of their dormitory during a party in the “predawn hours” of Jan. 29.
You know those hunters-they get ‘er done early!
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