STEROID HEARINGS REVEAL: LYNN WESTMORELAND NOT THAT BRIGHT

Our local sports talk station, the estimable 790 the Zone, brought Lynn Westmoreland, Republican rep from Newnan, to talk about the necessity for steroid hearings and the role he was going to play in them. We thought it might be something special when Lynn started talking about the danger to Babe Ruth's record as point of national significance, especially since we're sitting in Atlanta fucking Georgia, the home of Hank Aaron. But oh, it would get sooo much better, and in a very, very short span of time.

Not many people can convince you of their total stupidity in a matter of seven minutes. Lynn, pat yourself on the back. You called a sports talk radio station and referred to Pete Rose, "Johnny Hustle" in your parlance, as the "greatest baseball player of all time," and somehow suggested that gambling and steroids were both un-American and dangerous to our nation's youth.

With all due respect, Representative, we can think of nothing more American than gambling and steroids, especially in combination. The World's Strongest Man and the World Series of Poker are two of the most popular shows on ESPN. I think you know where I'm going here...

The World's Strongest Poker Players face off in a test of guile, brute strength, and their ability to control their raging, artificially manipulated hormonal levels in an unregulated contest unfolding somwhere off the coast of East Africa! Thrill to the sight of Gunnar Van Ilhoffen losing on a straight draw to Imo Killbiten, only to overtake him on the anchor toss five minutes later! Marvel as Scottish strongman McCrae Campbell plays five straight winning hands just minutes after rupturing his abdominal sac towing a jetliner with his teeth! See Fijian Kao Mahaleaiaiaiaaha rip the arms of former champ Sigmar Ramheart off is a fit of blind rage after losing to the veteran in the Volkswagen carry! Only on ESPN 5! Sponsored by EAS Performance Supplements and the Tourist Council of Mauritius: "Because what happens in Mauritius, stays in Mauritius."

Phil Hellmuth, Texas Hold 'Em master, wants to play poker and take steroids at the same time. Why won't you let him?