ALL-NAME LIST, PT. ONE: OFFENSE

by Orson on Feb 28, 2005 9:03 AM EST

Pooh-Bear, Where have you gone?
Pooh-Bear, overcome with emotion. Or hunger. Wait, he's gonna charge...
After much deliberation-and a few too many glasses of Merlot last night-we've finalized the 1st annual All Name Team, Offensive starters. (All twenty of our loyal readers just let loose a resounding "HUZZAH," if only because they just postponed the delivery of their next TPS report.) Remember our precise methodology here:

1. If we could remember them off the top of our head, then they made the list.
2. It helps to be black or Polynesian.
3. It helps to play on a team that plays on tv from time to time.
4. If your name includes a homonym for anything remotely scatological or profane, you're likely to be a first-teamer. Sadly, we couldn't find an NCAA player with the name Dildeau Pupenshitz, but we can dream, can't we?
5. It helps to play for FSU. Having a great name is a prerequisite for all players in Tallahassee.
So now, our esteemed first teamers on Offense:

THE ALL-NAME TEAM STARTING OFFENSE!!!

QB: Syvelle Newton, Jake "The Snake" Plummer.
Honorable mentions: Josh Booty, Antwaan Randal-El, and
Marques Tuiasosopo.
RB: Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch, Daccus Turman.
Honorable mention: Napoleon Kaufman, Chris
Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Priest Holmes.

FB: One and only one-Clarence "Pooh Bear" Williams

TE: Alge Crumpler and Jeremy Shockey.

WR: We go three wide, if only because of Florida State
University. FSU makes a sweep of the wideout category
because it's a prerequisite to play WR there to have a
really, really, really whacked-out name. Finalists: Craphonso
Thorpe, De'Cody Fagg, and Lavaranues Coles.

O-Line: Pork Chop Womack, LeCharles Bentley, Sylvester
Croom, and Jimbo Covert.

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Comments

Some suggestions….

TE – Leonard “The” Pope

DL – Eddie “Meat Cleaver” Weaver (UGA DL ’80)

WR – Sterling Sharpe (not a LB name, but a good WR name)

There should be a guy named “Ham Bone” on the list, but i don’t know any of any ham bone’s. I’m guessing that if one existed he played for Arkansas or Miss State.

LB – Dat Nyguen

S: Olaolu Sanni-Osomo (often injured Georgia LB/Safety and a guy that Hal Mumme would’ve been all over)

The guy that QB’d my high school’s cross town rival was named “Dusty Gunn”. I shit you not. He was at Cedar Shoals in Athens around ’89 or ’90.

by paulwesterdawg on Jan 23, 2006 12:38 PM EST reply actions