If it’s Monday, it must be time for us to mention that Scoreboard-domo Brian is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and that it’s time for the Fulmer Cupdate for the week. Expansions, digressions, and other elaborate lies follow.

Florida makes a stout appearance with Jamar Hornsby’s credit card fraud charges, an eight pointer that’s enough to put them on the big board, albeit right down there at the bottom with only the mildly felonious teams. Urban Meyer, who kicked Hornsby off the team, is to be congratulated for nothing because what the crime lacked in actual severity it more than made up for in craven opportunism with despicable timing.

There’s something at root here to acknowledge: despite the vaunted decline in character and overall permissive tone in the Meyer era at Florida, there’s little to cite in his stay indicating he’s particularly lenient or harsh. For all the drill sergeant talk, he let Marcus Thomas smoke through a zillion failed drug tests before he got the boot. And for all the carping (ourselves included) about him being a lax disciplinarian, every kid who committed a major crime (Ronnie Wilson, Jamar Hornsby) was booted from the team…albeit after the requisite wait/see period that makes fans slightly queasyish.

To counter an additional angle of the argument, it doesn’t seem like there’s much differentiating his tenure from [NAME REDACTED]’s in terms of player discipline. The two biggest incidents in the prior regime involved an accusation of sexual assault (Clint Mitchell,) Taurean Charles’ double manfest of punching a smaller man off a porch at a party and then attempting to keggenate the guy’s head with a half-full keg, and then the frat fight [NAME REDACTED] broke up/got involved in towards the end of the Times of Trouble.

Toss in capers with Channing “Nope, Not my Car” Crowder and Steven Harris, and then go even further back to look at the long line of youthful, muscled-up stupidity at Florida re: football players and discipline during the Spurrier era, and there’s only one crucial difference between any of them: Spurrier was a bit quicker to boot someone immediately, whereas [NAME REDACTED] and Meyer seem willing to do anything to avoid giving shoe leather enemas unless absolutely necessary. All three excused, hemmed, hawed, and kept players on when it was convenient to do so.

It’s a warm place–like Tallahassee or Miami–filled with top-notch athletes from impoverished backgrounds. Give them booze and a diet-sized slice of fame cheesecake, and this will happen…especially when coaches enable them by being even slightly tolerant of it, something Meyer undoubtedly and demonstrably has been. He’s enabled it where other coaches haven’t, and–we tremble with irony as we type this–he could look to the hardline fear Randy Shannon seems to instill in the same kids a few hundred miles south in Coral Gables as an example of how to do it in circumstances extremely conducive to player misconduct.

Oh, and an Alabama player got cited for walking around drunk. If the police actually applied this law even-handedly and not just to young drunk black men across Alabama, the state would be deforested in a matter of days with the frenzied ticket-writing.

Finally: Brian O’Blivion gets his points, corrected dutifully in comment threads for something like two months, awarded to Washington State. Their total now stands corrected at 12 total. Missouri’s looking difficult to catch at this point, yet the others refuse to drop out of the competition: WHY ARE YOU HURTING THE RACE BY STAYING IN, WEST VIRGINIA?!?!?!?

As noted in the headline: we’re both glad he’s okay and not the guy pulling the trigger given the recent trajectory of Florida offseasons.

Former Armwood All-American lineman Matt Patchan, who now plays for the Florida Gators, was shot in the back Friday night at Sadie Park in Brandon, Armwood coach Sean Callahan confirmed Monday morning.

Callahan said he has since talked to Patchan and added that “he’s fine.” Florida coach Urban Meyer just confirmed in a statement that Patchan was shot and is doing okay.

If he has a massive season on the line, chalk it up to involuntary iron fortification. Mike Barwis does NOT endorse this method of vitamin delivery, btw.

Not trainer-approved method of working in vitamins.

The University of Washington is ditching “Bow Down To Washington,” and in some senses that’s a shame. This site more than most enjoys a good dose of titter-worthy anachronism, and the lyrics to “Bow Down” have a few howlers we have to read wearing a top hat and kicking an urchin into a gutter:

So, heaven help the foes of Washington,
They’re trembling at the feet of mighty Washington.
Our boys are there with bells,
Their fighting blood excells,
It’s harder to push them over the lines than pass the Dardanelles.
So Victory’s the cry of Washington
Our leather lungs together with a Rah! Rah! Rah!

The Dardanelles comparison remains accurate for modern-day Washington football–easy to pass through, and to readers on the East Coast, situated in an exotic and foreign land–but the uni’s asked for submissions for the lyrics to an entirely new, Turkey reference-free fight song. (The music will not be left to the proles and will instead be composed by Bill Conti, the guy who did the Rocky theme and–more importantly–the motherfucking Falcon Crest theme!)

CORRECTION: Yes, this refers to the alma mater, not the fight song. Our submission still stands, and is much more singable than most alma maters we know.

We decided to throw our hat in the ring, and even offered up our own electrifying music to accompany the lyrics. It’s not your standard fare, but it captures the spirit of what we learned about the Unversity of Washington in at least ten minutes of internet research and what we already half-know about Washington Football.

With the use of a drum machine and keytar, you can not only drive the crowd into an ironic frenzy, but also save money on the expensive and indulgent use of a marching band. We’re considerate and proactive in every facet of our existence, U-Dub. Choose our song and see:

We’ll take that check made out to the Chicago Area Shriner’s Hospital, please. And you’re welcome, Washington. You truly are six foot twenty and fuckin’ killing for fun.

(Animation by Irishoutsider, in case that wasn’t totally and completely obvious. Blame him when the toothy peanut haunts your nightmares.)

As several commenters have suggested, we are COMPLETELY ripping off Cox and Combe’s “Washington”, though we’re stealing large chunks of Miss Kittin and the Hacker’s “Frank Sinatra,” too.

The world is a rolling hot mess, and occasionally in all the festivity some people fall under its glittery wheels. There happens to be an abundance of mayhem at this moment, much of it beyond the control of the people involved–meaning even a grizzled misanthrope like yourself may reach down in your wallet and pluck a doubloon or two from your fortune and donate to charity.

Tornadoes in Oklahoma and Georgia and the cyclone in Burma have one upside at least: they give you a chance not only to show how devoted you are to improving this “karma” thing Carson Daly’s always talking about, but we’re turning the nasty energies of college football rivalry into a positive force in the process.

You can take away our Checkers and billboards for gun shops and porno…but you cannot take away our desire to shame our opponents with our generosity.

Donations to charities assisting with either the tornadoes or the Burmese cyclone–where aid is slowly and steadily getting through despite the best efforts of the “murder-first” regime there–and we’ll keep tally of the donations as reported. Do good, feel shiny noble throughout your day, and embarrass the stingy bastards at other schools in the process.

The particulars:

1) Make a donation online to the American Red Cross, CARE, or the International Rescue Committee.

2) Email the donation confirmation to kevin@fanblogs.com and state your team affiliation by 8pm EDT on Wednesday, May 14th.

3) Results will be displayed at Every Day Should Be Saturday and Fanblogs throughout the week, with the final results shown by Thursday, May 15th.

4) The winning school will have its colors displayed at EDSBS and logo/mascot shown on every page at Fanblogs.

Florida’s currently up fifty dollars on everyone right now courtesy of yours truly, so let the games begin. If residents current or former in Florida are keen on any issue, it’s that of randomly being blown to smithereens by forces you can’t possibly defend yourself from in the least. (See: pass defense, for example, in 2007.)

Go get ‘em, you slaughtering vikings of charity.

Jamar Hornsby gets the boot from Florida. For once, Urban Meyer does not think the punishment is harsh.

“He is not part of our program,” Meyer said in a statement.

Bra-fucking-vo.

We like women with weapons. It’s not healthy, we know: blame it on too much adolescent viewing of Weimar Republic-era pornography, or on repeated viewings of Red Sonya, but either way there’s a little extra electricity in the air when an attractive woman takes things up a notch or two to .50 caliber sexy with the addition of a potentially death-inducing weapon.

Thus, today’s theme: famous ladies with weapons. Enjoy.

Zhang Ziyi

Phenomenal with both swords and curved blades at close range. Possesses a slight edge of craziness in her eye. Really seemed into it when Lo shoves his hand down her pants in the cave scene in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Played a character so possessed with passion and violence in the aforementioned film that she killed herself rather than live. All of these are traits we’d bulletpoint on a resume of hotness.

(more…)

You, too, may be the next Louis Elbel: the University of Washington is seeking a new fight song and is holding an open contest for submissions. Off the top of head, the first song coming to mind when thinking of Willingham’s repeated references to his “system” is, well, this, because ever since his first year at Notre Dame the “system” has been most definitely down:

It would have to go with some nice Fenerbahce-stand-hopping, of course, but we think it would be perfect, especially with a lyric sheet reading “buh-DOO-do-DOO-do-DEH” over and over again.

When a teammate dies tragically in an accident, you mourn. You listen. You hold those around you close and share the unbearable pain of loss. You take one of the dead people’s credit card and use it to buy shit for six months. You get arrested for it when the parents notice their dead daughter has been buying stuff for six months despite being dead.

Jamar Hornsby: creative financing available.

Jamar Hornsby of Florida followed this unique plan for mourning the loss of a teammate and a Florida student closely enough: somehow, after the death of Florida walk-on Michael Guilford and Florida student Ashley Slonina in a motorcycle wreck in October 2007, Slonina’s credit card ended up in the hands of Hornsby, who then revered the memory of the young lady by purchasing goods on the credit card for six months. Slonina’s parents finally noticed recently, and an investigation led to the beyond-classy Hornsby.

OS: Extra icing, please thank you very much life?

Life: Three scoops coming up, sir.

The card abuse started Oct. 13, 2007, the day after the girl’s death, according to court records and involved a BP gas card.

Ah, thanks life. You never force us to make things up, instead just giving us real and improbably terrible things. Hornsby is charged with credit card theft and fraudulent use of a credit card, which we imagine are both felonies. That’s three points times two for each felony charge plus the bonus point for using a dead girl’s credit card the day after she died and with one bonus point for it being a Florida Gator and therefore homer-shameful to us personally, and we take that to eight points for Florida, putting them on the big board in a fashion so tacky no amount of exponents can cover it.

Oh, and you there, we’ll say it for you “WAAAAAAHHHH you’re giving Florida points because you want to win.” Mr. Astoundinglystupidworth, if using a dead girl’s credit card the day after she died only gets two bonus points we should consider ourselves lucky for only getting eight points. Redux: you don’t want to win this thing. It’s not good. Perhaps that’s a point worth repeating from time to time: it’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. It’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. By the way, it’s not good to win the Fulmer Cup. For further reference, see: “Fulmer Cup: not good,” or the Wikipedia entry “Fulmer Cup: Bad.”

Extra fun update! How did Hornsby get the card? Simple. He took it when he was helping clean out the apartment with Joe Haden the day after the card owner died. Ashley Slonina. Joe Haden’s girlfriend. The dead one. Oh, Jebus this is sad.

Monday’s profile of Alabama athletic director Mal Moore listed online roleplaying games among his many hobbies and described him as a “tenth level Elf-Dragon”. Mr. Moore is actually an extremely accomplished paladin, and there is also no such thing as an Elf-Dragon. We regret the error.

Roll Tide!

On Tuesday, we reported that the University of Tennessee had, following the firing of Johnny Majors, considered attempting to hire Florida coach Steve Spurrier to replace the longtime Vol coach. This was inaccurate; Tennessee made no such attempt, a point clarified to us at great length in a phone call from Tennessee officials earlier this week. The candidate Tennessee wanted most to replace Johnny Majors was not Spurrier, but rather country music legend David Allen Coe. We regret the error.

Monday’s continuing series on the struggle to rebuild Columbus following last year’s Ohio State-Michigan victory celebrations misidentified an image as a neighborhood just south of campus. The photo in question is actually of a Beirut bomb crater. We regret the error.

O-H!

Monday’s “Where Are They Now?” segment featured a collection of inaccuracies we would like to address here. Purdue is located in West Lafayette, Indiana, not Louisiana. The Heisman Trophy was, until 2001, awarded annually not at Radio City Music Hall, but at the Downtown Athletic Club. And finally, Eric Crouch played at Nebraska, not at Iowa State, and at no point in his adult life fought a crippling addiction to drinking window cleaner he consumed to quiet the voices of relentless murder in his head. We regret the error.

He does, however, have unusually silky dark brown hair and particularly delicate, almost feminine eyelashes his female friends just can’t stop gushing over. His secret pride in this forces him to question his understanding of his own masculinity.

The Tuesday Grid-Iron Crossword had an ambiguous clue under “14 letter word for former coach at Texas A&M and Mississippi State.” Both the words “Jackie Sherrill” and “Piglickingcheat” fit the slot in the puzzle, causing some consternation among our readers, especially as “piglickingcheat” contains more letters than “Jackie Sherrill.” We regret the error, and clearly have no place assembling crossword puzzles in the first place.

A Wednesday evening news flash reported that former Kentucky coach Hal Mumme was among a band of notorious pirates captured by peacekeeping troops in April off the coast of Mozambique. Mr. Mumme has since been located, and apparently serves as the head football coach at “New Mexico State University”. We regret the error.

The lead story “Sean McDonough: Announcer at Large” on Monday inaccurately described McDonough as being “three apples high.” This refers to the apocryphal height of smurfs, not McDonough. The announcer himself is easily five apples high, and will kick a fucking Smurf in the teeth without hesitation, especially if shirtless white-pant wearing punk suckas walk up on him and take him seven-on-one again like they did after the Continental Tire Bowl BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF PUNK SHIT YOU FRENCH SURRENDER MIDGETS PULL, DON’T YOU SMURFS? WHAT? HUH? YEAH! GARGAMEL AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS! BRANG YO BEST, LAWYA!

We regret the error.

Our lead post on Thursday stated that an EDSBS staffer was critically injured after being lured into an open rain gutter with promises of a shiny balloon. The report further named the assailant as Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt. The perpetrator has since been correctly identified as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. The Turtle cannot help us, and we regret the error.

Inadvertent or not, the winnowing down of D-1 football to a Premiere League begins with the APR. Columnage hyah at the SN.

Oh, and in unrelated news, Chile knows how to throw a death-party:

Either that’s a volcano and thunderstorm going off simultaneously, or we’ve just found exclusive pictures of Nick Saban’s new office. More photos here.

Let’s not let something as base as money settle this, friends.

Dear West Virginia administrators and other flintlock-bearing Appalachian hoi-polloi,

I write this letter today in order to offer a resolution to the $4 million dollar lawsuit filed by your university against me. Most of the time I leave this to the lawyers, but an offer like the one I’m going to put out here right now requires a personal touch.

You and I both face huge legal bills due to this unfortunate misunderstanding regarding my departure from West Virginia, a place I love both as my home and as the place where we accomplished great things together as a football team.

With that, I propose an end to the acrimony not by nitpicking over money, but instead by talking about settling the dispute the old-fashioned way. Money’s a shortcut for real value, and what I propose worked for centuries in its place.

I’m talking about the noble and ancient exchange otherwise known as barter.

You wouldn’t believe how effective the practice can be! The other day, I paid my plumber not in cash, but instead with thirty signed Michigan sweatshirts. He walked away happy, and I didn’t have a guest bathroom soiled with the remnants of the prior tenants corn-heavy diet all over the place. It’s almost a metaphor for what we have here, really: shit everywhere, and you and I sitting here with the tools to make it right in our hands. How poetic!

I don’t propose paying you in sweatshirts–though this could be a lovely bonus prize for you to trade up to something like a bass boat, mobile meth lab, Hannah Montana tickets, or something else of equivalent value. The important thing with barter: I’m not reigning in your possibilities. With $4 million, you’ll only be able to get $4 million dollars worth of goods and services.

But with barter, the possibilities are endless. I traded a VHS copy of Beethoven for a pound of thumbtacks. And what do you know, but four weeks later I’m the proud owner of a new rototiller. The boundaries are limitless! I’m prepared to offer the following items in exchange for the inflexible $4 million dollars contested in the lawsuit.

One: An old ab-roller. I couldn’t use the thing without face-planting right into the carpet every time. At no extra charge, I will throw in a bag of old cedar shavings. Their fragrance has a value you can’t possibly measure in money.

Include another pic of someone giving the thumbs up. It’ll help sell it! Take this out before the final draft! God, that’s a lot of money!

Two: The collected works of Suze Orman. Really, with her help you’ll be accruing wealth in no time! She’s got lesbian money powers you can’t possibly understand until you experience them.

Three: A Sega Dreamcast. At no extra cost to you, I will also throw in an old copy of Shenmue, perhaps the most revolutionary video game of its time. I’m not really a video game player, but I got this in a trade two weeks ago for a glue gun, three pounds of frozen beef, and a large but promising piece of particle board. I cut and paste that description from a Google search, but judging from its enthusiasm, you’re probably already just three or four steps from turning that INTO YOUR VERY OWN HOUSEBOAT WITH WATER SLIDE!!!!

Please consider this offer carefully. Keep in mind, there’s no limit to what you can do with barter, the past economy of the future. If you have any questions, you can reach me via ham radio.

Operator-interns are standing by.

Hawkins needs this outfit–especially the stick.

We really, really like Dan Hawkins, though it’s the kind of like you have for your daffiest professor or most energetic neighbor who, after completing their 5:00 a.m. run and eating their carefully measured breakfast of berries, whole grains, and egg whites, comes over to your house to bring you a perfectly carved Chinese dragon he whittled out of some driftwood he just had laying around the workshop, you know.

Hawkins spoke with the John Lynch Foundation in Denver on Wednesday at a even referred to in the Rocky Mountain News as “Lynchfest,” a name we guarantee you will never see for any event in Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and a number of other states. Hawkins announced not only that Colorado will win a national title, they will do it in holistic and non-apartheidish manner.

“One of my heroes is Nelson Mandela. He has a word, it’s called ubuntu. And ubuntu kind of embodies the whole mentality that we’re all in this thing together,” Hawkins told the group.

Wait, there’s this, too: Hawkins is into Linux! Internet libertarian Paultardian dorks, you have your football program chosen for you.

(HT: Matt.)